
Love By Faith
Join us, Kyle & Selina Almodovar, as we help Christian couples lean on their faith to create fruitful relationships!
We’re not perfect people by any means. But by trusting in God, we learned what it takes to build a friendship, relationship, and marriage that has stood the test of time. With a keep-it-real style, we’re gonna talk to you about EVERYTHING we’ve been through, are going through, and have overcome, all by learning how to lean on God and each other in order to help you learn how to love by faith.
IG: @lovebyfaithministries | @SelinaAlmodovar | @solutionary_k
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@lovebyfaithministries
Website: https://lovebyfaithministries.com
Love By Faith
ANXIETY: Helping Your Partner Through Anxiety | Love By Faith with Kyle & Selina Almodovar #079
Kyle and Selina explore how partners can effectively support each other through anxiety by understanding different responses and creating practical strategies for mental wellness. They share personal experiences that illuminate the contrast between Kyle's tendency to push through anxiety and Selina's need for space and decompression.
• Creating a "code word" to signal when anxiety is taking over
• Acknowledging how partners can inadvertently trigger each other's anxiety
• Providing regular self-care opportunities is essential for mental health
• Establishing communication plans to prevent surprise triggers
• Supporting a partner during panic attacks through presence, not fixing
• Recognizing the value of asking key questions: What do you need? What do you want? How can I help?
• Understanding the importance of slowing down rather than pushing through
• Accepting that professional help and medication can be appropriate tools
• Being transparent about personal struggles with anxiety
• Creating intentional spaces for recovery after anxiety episodes
Remember that anxiety is real, and people of strong faith can experience it. Focus on working together to overcome anxious thoughts and build a stronger marriage through understanding and support.
THANK YOU for following, sharing, and leaving us a great review!
Our Website: https://lovebyfaithministries.com
Instagram: @lovebyfaithministries | @selinaalmodovar | @solutionary_k
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@lovebyfaithministries
🌿 FREE DOWNLOAD: The Love By Faith Playbook! 🏈
Get all the plays you need to have a winning season in your relationship with the Love By Faith Playbook. This is a FREE one-stop shop of evergreen resources (with new plays loaded each month!) to help you and your partner tackle common relationship struggles and set a strong foundation built to last.
Free Download HERE: https://lovebyfaithministries.com/couples-playbook
BECOME A GENEROUS SUPPORTER OF THIS PODCAST!
CashApp: $LoveByFaithPodcast
FOR PARTNERSHIPS, SPONSORSHIPS & COLLABS...
info@LoveByFaithMinistries.com
*Some of the links listed in this description are affiliate links.
How partners can help each other through anxiety.
Speaker 2:I want to get out of that place. So bad that I don't want to stop and sit there for any more seconds than necessary.
Speaker 1:What happened? What do you think triggered it? What can I do to help? We're not perfect people.
Speaker 2:By any means.
Speaker 1:But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to build a friendship.
Speaker 2:A relationship.
Speaker 1:And marriage that has stood the test of time.
Speaker 2:With a Keeping it Real style. We're going to talk to you about everything everything that we've been through are going through and have overcome all by learning how to lean on God and each other in order to help you learn how to love by faith. You know, I remember I used to have pink hair, yeah, and my eyes are a little off on color, right. Okay, like I could see color, but it's weird.
Speaker 2:Right and I didn't realize, but it's weird, right, and I didn't realize how pink your hair was. Yeah, until I look back at old photos.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And then I could see it better in the photos than in real life at the time. Yes, and so it's like whoa, her hair was that pink.
Speaker 1:I don't know what happened. I sincerely don't know what happened. So I think when I originally got it pink, it was like this color, the color of my shirt.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe a little brighter, a little brighter.
Speaker 1:And then my stylist kept telling me go get the pink that you want.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's so hard to see and match the pinks and I think at one point it became like a hot pink. No-transcript cotton pink started fading out into just blonde, right and brown and we were like, oh, that looks that. Looks, that, looks amazing. And then we just kind of kept it at the right, that's how you look like now so now I've rebranded everything to get rid of the pink.
Speaker 2:Do you feel more comfortable now or more comfortable in the pink?
Speaker 1:It was an era.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you were comfortable then, yeah.
Speaker 1:Like you know, you get the short hair era the pink era. I've completely grown out of my old brand.
Speaker 2:I've completely grown out of the pink hair so it's part of part of the brand, but the brand was an offshoot of you yes, uh, yeah, that's what it should be.
Speaker 1:That's what love by faith is. It's it's very clean, it's very um. I I always use eucalyptus, because I use it as like a a beautiful um evergreen kind of leaf that is calming healing, healing. Yeah, you know so the the browns kind of, I think guys would not shy away from the color scheme yeah of the greens and the blues and the neutrals it's good but at the same time, like girls, can use it for a very calm and soothing I like the way eucalyptus smells yeah that's that's.
Speaker 1:I enjoy eucalyptus yeah, that's like a little something you know, like how magnolia farms. Not that I'm trying to be like Magnolia.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:But like they always plant a Magnolia tree everywhere they go. So like eucalyptus would be like that symbol.
Speaker 2:Their calling card, our calling card.
Speaker 1:To represent loving by faith. The wet bandits or the sticky bandits, depending on when you're watching.
Speaker 2:That's funny.
Speaker 1:So welcome to Love by Faith. This is our last episode in the anxiety series that we've been doing.
Speaker 2:Get me out of here, I know.
Speaker 1:It's been very revealing and very transparent, and we wanted to end this series by talking specifically on how partners can help each other through anxiety. Okay, so I know we've talked about our individual struggles. We talked about how anxiety as a whole really can attack marriages. Kyle, what do you have to say about how I, as your partner, can help you with your anxiety?
Speaker 1:when you have it, I feel like sometimes it's really hard to read you on when you're anxious. Okay, but you talked about this in earlier episodes where you said you hold it in.
Speaker 2:Definitely internalize it and so it's really hard to read you yeah, I uh definitely go by the never let him see you sweat methodology. That is the biggest flex you can ever have never, but it's not if you're internalizing it and I'm not letting my wife see my weaknesses. Yes, it's blocking her from helping me in the way God's called her to to be my helper.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And so I think to when you get it right, when you get it right with me. You see it, we're trying to leave the house, trying to get these kids together. We're trying to do this and you, whether I like it or not, whether I receive it or not because a lot of times I don't receive it when you slow me down and I'm like go, go, go mode I'm on level seven, speed out of 10, and you're like Kyle, stop, and you make me breathe and I get so mad and it drives me nuts. I get. I don't want to breathe right now and I will say that to you and I know you know exactly what I'm talking about and it helps.
Speaker 1:I don't receive it at the time. Listen, I don't receive it at the time. You're rolling your eyes. I know I'm not rolling my eyes. My eyes are shut.
Speaker 2:Shut. They were open.
Speaker 1:They'd be looking behind you From a body language that would make you feel like what you're saying is not valid.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I don't need you to validate this. I'm admitting my fault here and that I don't receive it when you try to calm me down. You're bringing up a very interesting point, because we all go through this and what we're going through is our partner doesn't want to receive the slowdown and so a lot of the times it triggers me. And now we're both triggered, you know, because I see you, I see you getting there and I see you all over the place and your body language is showing it, your tonality is showing it, the way you're talking to kids is showing it. So I do try to show you. Slow you down, because I'm like let me give him some of this energy and transfer it over and he can transfer some of his back.
Speaker 1:and that's exactly what happens. Because you push me away, you, um, you dismiss me. You say I don't want this right now. I just you want to stay in that moment. And sometimes, if I'm not careful, I will take that and I will immediately feel the flesh in me, want to clap back, want to leave you hanging, want to be like fine, go, go ahead and fall. Let's see you fall again.
Speaker 1:I have to really restrict myself, and that's not just with you, like that's what, I'm sure that's with me as well, like anybody who is in this anxiety place and they feel like it's so strong and they are just pushing away. You're, you're pushing the help away. You know, to me that's very hard for a partner to stand firm. That's very hard for a partner to stand firm in being calm and stand firm in the peace place to help them regroup and slow down. Because there are times when you're like, no, I don't want this and I'm like what? Go ahead and do it. Then let's see what happens.
Speaker 1:It's true, you know, sometimes what is that saying? It's the old husband-wife saying where it's like, um, oh, I don't remember, but the wife is like if the husband doesn't want the wife's help, then you step away and let god hit them with the two by four. So I don't know, I don't know the name of it, but like sometimes you can do only so much and then you have to step away and just let the holy spirit, like, show him absolutely absolutely what were you gonna say?
Speaker 1:you were saying no you don't want to get out of that place right, but it's.
Speaker 2:That's what. That's wrong. I want to get out of that place. So bad that I don't want to stop and sit there and for any more seconds than than necessary so you think bulldozing through the anxiety is how you will get out of the anxiety. Yes, get to the next step.
Speaker 1:Where I'm saying let's pull you out of the anxiety and let it just go past you.
Speaker 2:And it compounds the situation because I'm stopped when, if I'm stopped, nothing is getting better. But you're saying, stop to get it better, yes, and so it's always, always, always, which way works?
Speaker 1:Nothing is getting better, but you're saying stop to get it better.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so it's always, always, always which way works. I always come back to. You were right. That was probably better. The outcome could have been better. Like sure, I'll get it done, but could I have got it done better, more effectively, more thoroughly if I would have closed my mouth and listened to you for a second, close my mouth and listen to you for a second, stop my feet, listen to you for a second.
Speaker 1:Yes. You know, Because when you're going through that tornado, you're not realizing what you're missing, what you're overlooking.
Speaker 2:All the things it makes me think like a code word, Like instead of Omaha we have a different code word.
Speaker 1:Tell the people what Omaha means now.
Speaker 2:So Omaha came out of Ted Lasso. We watched Ted Lasso.
Speaker 1:We talked about this in other episodes.
Speaker 2:They do. Oklahoma, for when you need to tell the truth, yes, well, omaha, for us is when we need to stop procrastinating and just get something done. Yes, omaha, selena.
Speaker 1:It's not just from Ted Lasso, it's also from uh omaha, from the football player right, okay, omaha.
Speaker 2:From peyton manning, when he would say omaha because like let's start to play.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's start to play so it's a little both, but okay, so we need a code word so I think, yeah, an anxiety code word could help. Let's work through this with our people right what should our code word be when kyle specifically? Okay is going through an anxiety rush and he's trying to go through it rather than let step out of it and let it go past I like that what word would click for you? Because I could say any. I could say cheeseburger. You're gonna be like what the heck are you talking about?
Speaker 2:no, I don't want a cheeseburger right now, I guess what comes to mind. For you, what comes to mind is like geronimo geronimo right because you want me to remember geronimo because it's like, I think of that as like what you say before you jump out of the plane like that's what you say before you jump out of the plane, like really, geronimo.
Speaker 1:Have you ever jumped out of the plane? But I feel like that's you think that's where I get it from, that's what I equate it to. So you want me to say Geronimo.
Speaker 2:Geronimo, yeah, that would tell me to slow down. Okay, let this anxiety pass, we're going to try it.
Speaker 1:We're going to try it this Sunday.
Speaker 2:I don't receive you speaking, that I'm going to have an anxious moment on Sunday.
Speaker 1:No, we're going to have a peaceful Sunday. That's right, we're going to have a good Sunday. I speak life, over our situation, yes, and I speak like over your anxiety. I'm going fishing this Sunday. Yes, okay, yes, you're going fishing.
Speaker 2:Can't be any anxiety there. Every man's dream to go fishing. No anxiety there. Okay, I'm not getting into that.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we will test this out and we will report back to you guys. If you are listening and if you guys have a word that you guys use that might be a little better than a four syllable word, geronimo, then go ahead. I had to double check myself, so I didn't have to edit it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1:Go ahead and share with us what word would work for you. Now, this is just for Kyle, because there's a very specific type of anxiety that Kyle goes through that is very different from what Selena goes through, and so I feel like there's different ways. Everybody experiences anxiety different, and so there's different ways, but for you that would help.
Speaker 1:One thing that you said in the last episode that I really want to address it's been on my heart for a whole week is you said that sometimes I am the one that brings out your anxiety. Why are you laughing? I'm so serious.
Speaker 2:Keep going. No, because my wife makes me anxious. I'm sure no guy has ever gone through that.
Speaker 1:Okay, but I want to say, like I. So you were being very vulnerable in that moment and then I raised your vulnerable with my vulnerable and I said am I the cause of it? And you said yes, and I just want to say, like I don't, I did not take that lightly, I was. I was lightweight, convicted, and it's not that I'm doing it on purpose, but I want to apologize because I never want to be the stem of something that would bring you to that mental state and so I am sorry for that and I don't know if it's going to be done and I'm never going to do it again because again, I'm not doing it intentionally, but to bring awareness to it and to be mindful of it. I just want to say I'm sorry that I would bring you to that place.
Speaker 2:I fully accept your apology.
Speaker 1:And I think there are couples out there who don't realize it Absolutely. Maybe having that conversation of you do do this to me, you do do get me here, and I don't know if that would bring out the person, the other partner, being defensive or feeling convicted or something, but I think it's good to have a safe space where we can talk about that, because if 99 of your problems is coming from your spouse, then that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 2:Well, that percentage isn't that high. It's not that high.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:But maybe 25? Do you want to know something?
Speaker 1:I just saw a post that said studies show that women get more anxiety from their husbands than from children.
Speaker 2:Interesting I don't want to rush past this what you said first before the more anxiety from their husbands than from children. Interesting I don't want to rush past this what you said first before the more anxiety from their husband. Then you brought up that sometimes my anxiety comes from you.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And in those moments I think of. I think of times when you're asking me for more than I can provide, so where I feel inadequate as a provider, where you're asking for.
Speaker 1:You mean like a honey do list or a what yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Honey do list, honey buy lists. You know we need this, we need that, I want to do this and that, and it's like our paychecks only go so far.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And then I have like I got to go make more money. I got to go make more money. I got to go try harder. I got to wake up earlier, I got to. I don't get to sit down anymore. You know, there's an there's an old husband saying that if you want to get your wife's attention, just look like you have nothing to do.
Speaker 1:Okay, cause then she'll be all over you. I got a of stuff for you to do, right, where do I begin?
Speaker 2:just look like you're comfortable and you'll get your wife's attention. There's the old adage. But so that's where the the anxiety comes from. We talked about fear fear that I'm not adequate enough to provide, to support, to to accomplish what I want to accomplish, to provide that security that I want to provide so that's where you know like we.
Speaker 1:We just dropped the communication plan yeah, the playbook last month. So, that's where that could come in, like if you're having your finance talks, if you're having your calendar talks then you know the capacity of your spouse and so therefore you're not putting on them unnecessary loads when you know realistically that they're not able to be done or performed well.
Speaker 2:Right, right, and that to-do list used to help me when we do to do list. Yeah, and we'd keep it um manageable for the week yes and then we'd be able to say hey look, I got this, this and this done for us honey yeah and it leave that anxiety for sure. So that communication plan is huge amen. Well, I'm very sorry, and I don't expect it to never happen again like it's sure, natural.
Speaker 1:It's natural, but to know, to have it it to never happen again Like it's natural. It's natural, but to know to have it and to to have a conversation about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Allows us to see like there's a solution for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And the solution has always been there. So we just have to be consistent in going to that solution.
Speaker 2:I will take a silver lining and a grace moment here. The silver lining is that a you feel secure enough to ask me for what you want, what you need, and open enough to voice that.
Speaker 1:Yes, right, that's the silver lining, the.
Speaker 2:The grace point is that you know I love that. You expect me to be able to do all these things and I don't want you to stop. I don't want you to feel like you can't ask for what you need sometimes in my delusional wife mind.
Speaker 1:I feel like you have a hidden pocket of money and you're just like I'm just gonna drop all these gifts on her at random yeah and so I feel like if I put stuff out there, I again this is delusional because we go over every cent that comes into this house, but sometimes I feel like he's got money, he can do it, he can figure it out, he can figure this out. And I have to be I have to be less the Lulu and more real about and more genuine, knowing that my husband is being honest about what he's doing and his dealings. And I hear your heart I hear your heart.
Speaker 1:But um, the other thing you could do is, instead of saying, okay, you could just be like honey, remember what we did back here, you know instead of giving the false impression of like okay, and I'm like okay, what, what does that mean? Is he gonna try to figure it out? Is he gonna work the numbers around? Is he gonna be able to get it? Yeah like is there a cell that he doesn't know about? Is there? Did he already plan it is? It already in our garage, like where is it it's?
Speaker 1:not in the garage so it's just like, instead of writing it off as like okay, okay, like all right, yes, you could be like remember, what we talked about, this is what we have money for. Let's save on that, or let's talk about it in our next talk, our next finance, and let's go from there.
Speaker 2:It's good it's real.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about the other form of anxiety, the external kind.
Speaker 2:I thought we had to talk about some wife anxiety. We haven't gotten to that, yet Same.
Speaker 1:thing.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Hey everyone, we hope that you're enjoying this episode, and right now we want to just take a small minute to introduce to you the latest thing that we created to help you elevate your relationship and take it to the next level. It's called the Love by Faith Playbook.
Speaker 2:Every good coach knows they have to have winning plays. We went through our foundation series and we pulled out some of the best winning plays and created strategies for you guys. Plays like how to be better financially, how to do ministry together, how to be better romantically, how to be better family life. We went through all these different areas from the foundation series and put it together in a playbook.
Speaker 1:So grab your Love by Faith playbook today. You can use the link in the description below, enter it, and the good news about this is that it is a living document, so you download it one time and every single month we're going to be updating this document to give you fresh, new plays to help you and your partner love by faith and create a winning season. Go ahead and get your love by faith playbook now, and let's get back into this episode.
Speaker 2:Well, I said I wanted to get into talking towards the wife side.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And you said it's related yes, well, it's not.
Speaker 1:All wives have the external anxiety some wives have your kind okay where it's kind of internal.
Speaker 2:But for me, as your wife, yeah my anxiety was very external when was the time I got it right? I was like dude. That's exactly how I needed your help, right there in this anxious moment. Man, oh man, set myself up for this one, didn't I guys?
Speaker 1:I don't really know. It's like for every panic attack that I recall you did some things right.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:You did some things right.
Speaker 2:But those are extreme examples, just like a normal example like a so last day to day.
Speaker 1:See, that's the thing it's like my panic and my anxiety, will build. It will build and build and build and build and build until it turned into an attack okay and to have a day-to-day to it.
Speaker 1:It's it's almost contradicting, because it's like if you were to help me on a day-to-day then I would not have had the attacks. So, in the times where we were able to diffuse it completely, you come home from work and you immediately say go upstairs and you take care of the kids. Now, granted, the kids break into my room and they're still messing with me, but you at least fight the kids off for me so that I can have a rest and I could take a break. There were some days I think last year, this was one of my goals where I said once a month I was going to have like a total self-care day where after church, I was going to just lock myself in my room and I was going to have no affiliation with kids whatsoever. Because, as a stay-at-home mom, yes, you go and you work very hard for us to provide for our family, but a mother's job, she doesn't have a turnoff, she doesn't clock out, and so it becomes just a day in and day out job. That is draining and overstimulating in all of the ways for you to just say okay, grab your snacks, grab your phone here's an external charger for your phone, just go and relax and do whatever it is that you need to do for the day. I come out of that feeling very refreshed, very full. My battery is charged, it diffuses anxiety, so on a day-to-day, those things kind of help.
Speaker 1:Last year I was struggling a lot with summer vacations, christmas vacations, spring vacations, and I would always feel the fear immediately.
Speaker 1:It was just a post-traumatic stress response and what we did last year at the end of summer was you gave me a weekend away.
Speaker 1:This was the very first time we did this I was talking about it for years where I was like I just need a weekend away and we never could afford it with time off of work and we can never afford it with financial. It wasn't just an extra thing in the budget and so I took I literally went like 15 minutes away down the street into a different city and I had an Airbnb and I just lived my life for two days and you took care of the kids and that was so healing for me to know that, a I had your support in that and, b I was able to decompress and it also gave me the space to say okay, I'm going to mentally and spiritually prepare for the upcoming season, so that I don't fall into an explosion all over again. And so those are some of the daily, the weekly, or the daily, the monthly and the seasonal ways that you have, as my partner, helped me get through anxiety.
Speaker 2:I think of us coming together to establish our communication plan.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And do the weekly talks, yes, so that we're not figuring out Tuesday's dinner on Tuesday, we're not figuring out Wednesday's dinner on Wednesday, we're not double booking or missing up the schedule or not knowing what's going on because we've already talked through that on whatever day of the week, because it rotates.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:But we've talked through what the next seven days looks like so that it doesn't catch us off guard and create the anxiety of he didn't even remember this. She didn't even remember that, she didn't even care that I had to watch the race on Sunday Like she didn't even know it was happening, because we came together to talk about that and at first that was really hard for me to just stop and it's funny, I don't like to stop.
Speaker 2:To just stop and sit there and make the plan out was so huge for us. And then I think about the other times when you told me to just ask me these questions.
Speaker 1:What do I need? What do I want? How can you help?
Speaker 2:And sometimes the answer is you don't know, to all three, like she'll say back to back to back I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And to me that answer means go away and give her space. It means go away, it means that there's nothing that I'm going to do that is going to fix this, and so I have to clear all the other problems from around her so that she can figure out what those answers are.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it can just go back to baby needs. You know, when we were raising small babies, we understood by, I think by the third one. We really figured it out. I'm sorry that it takes that long I'm sorry that it takes that long. Maybe you guys will get it sooner than we did. But we figured out. Okay. This child is crying. All it really needs is three things Is it tired, is it hungry or does it have gas? That's right.
Speaker 1:Okay, and if it's not one of those three things, then take them to the hospital, because 99% sure it's going to be one of if your child cannot stop crying. It's one of those three things. And so sometimes you just got to go back to the basics, not saying that I'm going to have gas, but like am I tired? Give her rest. Am I hungry? Feed, give me a snack. Give me a snack, her rest. Am I hungry, feet? Give me a snack.
Speaker 2:you know give me a snack um do I need space?
Speaker 1:it's because she's tired. Yeah, is she cranky?
Speaker 2:she probably is malnourished wait, we'll go back to the. Does she have gas, like you said, for the baby? Does she need a self-care moment? Does she need a? Does she need a walk? Does she need a treadmill time? Does she need a, a yoga class?
Speaker 1:does she need to go out with some friends? Does she just need a girl's girls?
Speaker 2:afternoon, like those are. Those are the the quote-unquote gas yeah that that a grown-up has yeah like and same thing with you does he just need to go fishing, yes, does he just need to go get some wings? Does he need to? Whatever?
Speaker 1:whatever thing is bike motorcycle that's what we just saw, that's what we discovered with you, because we gave you a weekend too, you had a really hard season last year and we were like we need something for Kyle, because Kyle is always showing up, you are always taking care of me. I felt like it was almost unfair because I was like I know I need it because I've been through some mental stuff and clearly it needs a lot of attention, but not at your expense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, and you can only handle so much. And so we gave you a weekend, to the point where we're like we need to do this every single year. And now, once we did our master calendar I think that's a resource in January for you guys in the playbook, in the free playbook when we did our master calendar, we realized, kyle, you should take some PTO off just for you, right, take some time off so that you can have a morning where I'm not telling you what to do, where we're not planning things. You can just do your own thing. And we went and listed out when you can do that, so that you had regular breaks.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that helps me with the self-care, with recovery, but that doesn't hit my anxiety message, but it might for you, okay, right. And so my takeaway in this and thinking about this and analyzing this, is that we had to go through seasons where I just tried to fix it for you on my own, without considering what do you really want, yes, right and without just talking through it to get to the root of the problem, and I think the husband screwed that up in that we jump in to fix it.
Speaker 1:You want to jump into that tornado.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to make the wind blow the other way so that the tornado is gone Right and doesn't hit you. And so, yes, I think that's where we miss it and that we learned through the time and through figuring each other out that, hey, let's slow down. Yes, all right, talk this through, figure out what the triggers are, what the questions are, and and I don't have to fix it, I don't have to fix it every time. Yes, it's not on me. Yes, you know the questions aren't. What can I do? What can I do to fix this? It's what do you want? First?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What do you need? What do you need? And then, thirdly, what can I do to help?
Speaker 1:What can I do to help?
Speaker 2:I'm not starting with. What can I do to help?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Because that's overwhelming.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you just need to know what do you need? What?
Speaker 2:do you need?
Speaker 1:What do you need right now? Right yeah.
Speaker 2:And sometimes you know, Sometimes you just say I need to eat, I need to just you know, and that's that's huge, and being vulnerable with your partner is. I think that could be a big challenge for people is to just say what's really going on.
Speaker 1:You have to be transparent.
Speaker 2:And to label it.
Speaker 1:Yes, you have to be transparent. I really want to spend the last couple of moments here to talk about the extremes.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:When I've had extreme panic attacks, when I couldn't breathe, when I was crying uncontrollably and you would start to get scared, I remember you were like should I call the doctor? Should I call something? What should I do? How should I help with that? I have a family who's a nurse I was going to call but still, it was just like you didn't know what to do because you were so helpless.
Speaker 2:Very.
Speaker 1:And I was in such a place where I couldn't stop it Right and I think you know now being on a healthier side of that, you just being in the room with me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Maybe praying.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Not necessarily telling me like get up, you're gonna be fine. Like get up and breathe here, get up. And like not necessarily taking me out of it, because it's really hard to take someone out of an attack when they're in the attack. Yeah, but just no. I had the sense of knowing like he's still there, he, I'm not alone, like I'm going. It's such a weird out-of-body experience because I feel my body reacting and I hear all of the things happening in my mind.
Speaker 1:But I am also very conscious of you being in the room with me and I'm still very conscious of like God is here somewhere. And it's like I'm frantically looking for God in the midst of that and I know he's here somewhere. But I feel your physical presence with me and it helps me kind of get out of it. It kind of helps me calm down a little better. And then you know there's a long it's. It's it's a very stretched out recovery, at least for me when I went through it. Maybe people feel it different, but you know you go from this extreme panic, crying, breathing situation to now you're, you're trying to regulate your body and your nervous system is completely shot and you're, you're crying right.
Speaker 1:You just have such a shock in your body. So, like now, I'm completely tired, I'm completely drained, I'm exhausted, I'm my head, I can't think. I just feel like I'm mush at this point. And so what can a partner do in that situation? Like I said, praying over me and and being in the room present with me. You know if you have to take care of kids, you know, do what you have to do, but then, very slowly and subtly, you start what do you need? You know, what do you want? You know? One time you gave me a melatonin gummy and that helped me, but then I was exhausted.
Speaker 2:Then you're ready for bed.
Speaker 1:I was ready for bed, and then you were just like okay, well, let's move on, and I'm like I it's time for a nap I cannot move on like I'm still here in this space and I just I just want to let people know that if your partner is experiencing these extreme attacks they're, they're shot, they're shot you can't expect your partner to just pick up and be like well, that was a thing, like well, that happened, like let's turn the page you know, like that, that went down south quick.
Speaker 1:You know like we can't. You know like what is the what is the phrase like oh, that escalated quickly like you can't expect them to just then take care of the kids, then make dinner, then continue on your date. Continuing your public outing Like this is a long drawn-out thing, and so you have to be please be very nurturing in this time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And they might want to talk about it. Maybe this is a great opportunity to open that transparency and be like In the decompressing in the debrief in the, in the low, in the lower parts of it like after you've had it and after they're starting to calm down okay you know what happened. What do you think triggered it? Yeah, you know, yeah, what. What can I? What can I do to help?
Speaker 2:what are we doing to avoid this next time?
Speaker 1:I wouldn't bring that part up until they're completely recovered.
Speaker 1:Because then you're making them think and make decisions. And again their brain is mush. But to just simply recall of like are you okay? Do you want to explain? You know where were you in that moment. What did you feel in that moment? Were there any thoughts in that moment? You know what were you in that moment. What did you feel in that moment, what were there any thoughts in that moment? You know what do you need right now? Are you hungry, are you tired? Do you need a shower? Do you need to take the whole rest of the time off?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, because they're they're maxed out, they're completely done and you can't just recover from that easily, and I think that also adds to the anxiety is like we think now we have to go back to normal, but we're not normal, and so having a spouse who can give you the grace and show the support, not necessarily through words but just in the presence, that is very helpful.
Speaker 2:When you have done that, that was extremely helpful to me in my times amen, glad to help, glad to be there and to be, be the force for, for help in those situations because it's scary, as the other on the other side yeah because it's just like she brought the hyperventilating pads out like yeah what do I do? And, yeah, I don't want to say too much, I don't want to say too little, right, because both of those could go the wrong way.
Speaker 1:And I think when you were saying, like, should I call somebody? Should I get help? Selena, are you going to be like? You kept throwing decisions at me that just like added to the fuel at me, that just like added to the fuel, because it's like I can't, I'm, I'm, I'm in this place because I had too many decisions to make and I got overwhelmed, you know. So giving them as taking off as much of the load as possible, would be helpful there you go.
Speaker 2:So we're getting to the end of the anxiety series. Yes, what is your? What's your closing arguments, closing statements for this.
Speaker 1:So my closing argument and statements would be anxiety is real, absolutely. People of strong faith can have it. I believe it's an attack. I believe getting counsel or getting medicated treatment can help, it's not wrong. But I also know that, ultimately, understanding that this is an attack, and it could be an attack towards you specifically, it could be an attack towards you and your children. It could be an attack towards you and your spouse and your marriage. But it is an attack because it's coming out of the mind and we know that with God we can overcome any attacks of the enemy, that there is no weapon formed against us that would prosper, even the words and the lies of the enemy. I think, being mindful of where God is in your life, being transparent with your partner parent, with your partner, and really trying to use each other to attack together, you know to not just defend yourself from the attacks, but you can be aggressive on the attacks.
Speaker 1:Yes, you can be offensive and attack the attacks so that they don't become so big that you feel like you can't overtake them, and I think using your partner in a safe and loving space can help with that.
Speaker 1:My last thing I want to say is, in order to get all of that out and in order to overcome anxiety for good, you have to come to terms with acknowledging that you might be suffering from anxiety. To be stuck in a place of denial where you're not is never going to help you overcome the problem as a whole.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 1:So just, it's okay if you have it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:There's a lot more people out there that experience it. You are not alone in that out there that experience it. You are not alone in that and Christ can help you with that, as long as you are real with yourself and being mindful of like this is an attack and I want to do something about it. How about you?
Speaker 2:It takes time. My closing is that it takes time to understand each other, to understand how each other has anxiety, because everybody has anxiety everybody's worried about something how they look, how they feel, how they live, yeah, how they have things. The comparison game everyone has it yes, like there's no, you know, is it clinical? Does it need a counselor Sometimes, and that's okay. That's not. You know, a good Christian counselor is a tool, is a helper, is someone who is gifted by God.
Speaker 1:It's a different part of the body. To help the body be healthy.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And creating the communication plan, working through the communication plan and really working the communication plan so that the intentions are known, that there's not unmet expectations yes, cause that's where it starts and there's not resentments. Right, because you communicated, you planned, you got, you have a plan in motion and you stick to it.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:It's on each of us to own sticking to the plan. Yes, I know from experience that nothing to own sticking to the plan. Yes, I know from experience that nothing creates anxiety in her worse than when I don't stick to the plan or I audible without fully telling her hey, I changed the plan a little bit. Guys, I would super advise don't be Mr Fix-It right away. She'll tell you when she needs that. Don't be Mr Fix-It right away. Ask the helpful when she needs that. Don't be mr fix it right away. Ask the, ask the helpful questions.
Speaker 2:What do you need? What do you? What do you really need? What do you? What do you want from me? When you say that, right, like you just asked for a three thousand dollar vacation, what do you want from me? When you say stuff like that, am I supposed to just say you know, yes, but not me. Let me know, or am I supposed to you know? So ask those kind of questions Like what do you want from me? When you say that We've talked about the budget, I can't do a $3,000 vacation in this season, and so those are my closing statements on this.
Speaker 1:Well, there you have it, folks. This is our series of anxiety. We hope that you received from it it that this minister to you. We hope that God is using this episode to really speak to you personally, in your heart, regarding these issues and how your marriage can be strengthened from these experiences. Why don't we go ahead and pray?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I'm going to pray.
Speaker 2:You pray.
Speaker 1:Because you pray all the time. I like to pray too.
Speaker 2:Man of prayer.
Speaker 1:Amen, laura, we thank you for putting this on our hearts, to really speak about it openly and honestly.
Speaker 1:We know that your people are getting attacked and that's the best way to say it and we just want to strengthen our faith and our armor and our mindset.
Speaker 1:You tell us in your scriptures how to renew our mind and how to put our helmet of salvation on. You tell us how we have authority over these enemies, and so we just speak life into these marriages, into these people, into their mindsets. Lord, we pray for positive things to come out of these episodes, that they would have strong discussions, that there would be healing and restoration. We pray, in the name of Jesus, that you would dismiss any kind of anxious thought, worry or fear out of the mindset of the people who are listening and watching this episode. And we just pray, father, god, that you would show us and train us up on how to deliver us from anxiety, lifestyle, thinking, thoughts, fears or any kind of things that would take us away from looking and keeping our sights and faith onto you as our healer, as our protector and as our victorious overcomer. That's right. We give you glory and honor in Jesus's name, amen.
Speaker 2:Amen Amen.
Speaker 1:Thank you guys so much for watching Love by Faith and listening. If you are here on YouTube, please be sure to like, share, subscribe. If you're listening on a podcast platform, then please give us a review. Let us know that you enjoyed it and how it's helped you learn how to love by faith. You can also tap those five stars and that will help other people find us and learn how to love by faith in their process as well.
Speaker 2:That's right. That's all you got to do. Live by faith, love by faith, y'all.
Speaker 1:We'll see you next week. Bye, bye, so vulnerable You're so vulnerable that's what makes us a good pair because, we're not.
Speaker 2:We're not afraid to be vulnerable when we were at home depot and the whole mulch thing happened and you seemed to get overwhelmed. Yes, how did I do at handling the anxiety there? Great, was that a good one? You bought me flowers. Well, yeah, I bought you flowers, but, like in the in the store, we were still in the store.
Speaker 1:You were shutting down you didn't get it when we were in the store.
Speaker 2:It wasn't until you know, I got it at the mulch section when I was standing by the car. I mean you understood it, but you didn't respond until I was already in the car and then you realized that was when I was playing it safe, because I didn't want to embarrass you in the store in front of people and ask you why are you?
Speaker 2:shutting down, you know, because that makes it worse. So that's where I waited, till you got in the car. Just let you even, right when we got in the car I didn't ask yeah, but that was our whole communication plan.
Speaker 1:We knew, knew. We don't talk about this stuff in public.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We wait till we're in a private place. And then I told you what I was communicating is not what you were doing, and I didn't know how else to communicate it to you because it seemed like you weren't receiving what I was telling you. And so then when you got out of the car and you came back, like you, your confidence, you know, like I said, women are very in tune with having security. And so when you came to the window of the car and I was still in the car and you carried yourself with confidence and you were joking, and you were like I'm going to get these flowers here anyways, you know, even though I said I wasn't, but she's telling me she wants them. So I'm going to listen to her, you know, having the confidence and then actually doing what I was saying the whole time, like that helped me come back down.
Speaker 2:Amen, there you go, thanks.
Speaker 1:Thanks for going through that thank you, I love you love you too, man thank you for listening to me sorry, I wasn't fast enough for you it's okay, we figured it out and we're gonna keep figuring it out for as long as you live yep, as long as you live as long as you live we will both continue to learn. That is our commitment to each other. I love you.
Speaker 2:Love you too.
Speaker 1:I gotta go.
Speaker 2:Good, it's about time we gotta do something.