SPRING CLEANING: When Self-Sabotage Holds Your Relationship Back | Love By Faith with Kyle & Selina Almodovar #070

In this episode, Kyle and Selina discuss when self-sabotage holds your relationship back and how to press into new blessings and higher milestones courageously. 

Kyle and Selina dive deep into the fears and insecurities that prevent couples from taking their relationships to the next level, exploring how self-sabotage manifests differently for men and women.

• Fear of rejection often leads to overthinking and second-guessing good relationships
• Women tend to project too far into the future, creating anxiety about making the "right" choice
• Men typically resist change when comfortable, avoiding vulnerability and deeper connection
• Self-sabotage in marriage appears as communication breakdowns, withholding vulnerability
• Creating a safe space for honest communication requires "30 seconds of insane courage."
• Recognizing that God's strength works through our weakness helps overcome relationship fears
• Vulnerability, though frightening, is the pathway to deeper intimacy and relationship growth
• Naming your feelings and scheduling specific times for difficult conversations prevents avoidance

Don't let fear hold you back from experiencing the relationship God intended for you. Take that step of vulnerability today, and watch how your relationship transforms.

🔗 LINKS TO REFERENCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE! 🔗

John Legend: "Cards on the table" ➡️ "All of Me"

Matt Damon: 30 Seconds of Insane Courage ➡️ "We Bought A Zoo"

Chapters

• 0:00 Are You Holding Yourself Back?
• 6:54 The Fears That Stop Relationships
• 13:44 Selena's Story of Second-Guessing
• 17:47 Self-Sabotage in Marriage
• 27:24 Vulnerability and Weakness in Relationships
• 33:05 Finding Courage to Jump Off the Cliff
• 37:39 Don't Hold Back Your Blessings

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Are you holding yourself back from a good thing?

Speaker 2: 0:03

I don't want to get married. What if it turns out like my parents?

Speaker 1: 0:06

You don't take my feelings seriously because you think that they're not real.

Speaker 2: 0:10

What if I screw it up?

Speaker 1: 0:11

Whatever direction we choose to go in will change everything. We're not perfect people.

Speaker 2: 0:16

By any means.

Speaker 1: 0:17

But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to build a friendship.

Speaker 2: 0:22

A relationship.

Speaker 1: 0:23

And marriage that has stood the test of time.

Speaker 2: 0:26

With a Keeping it Real style. We're going to talk to you about everything everything that we've been through are going through and have overcome All by learning how to lean on God and each other.

Speaker 1: 0:39

In order to help you learn how to love by faith. Hi.

Speaker 2: 0:57

Hey, you look great today. Thank you, it's good to be here with you, man. They got me today.

Speaker 1: 1:02

Who.

Speaker 2: 1:02

The children.

Speaker 1: 1:03

Why they had me.

Speaker 2: 1:04

I was trying to get them out the door. I'm like you got to go to school.

Speaker 1: 1:08

Yeah, because it's podcast day.

Speaker 2: 1:10

Just going so slow. And I know they want to go to school, I know they love school, but they just get the ball rolling.

Speaker 1: 1:20

He told me that he did not go to sleep until four in the morning. I said why? He said because my bed was messed up and I had to fix it. And I'm like, how did it get messed up? He said because I'm looking for the remote for my fan and my light. And I'm thinking in my head why were you up in the first place? Why were you adjusting? Maybe because he was cold?

Speaker 2: 1:44

I don't know.

Speaker 1: 1:44

I think because he was cold. That makes sense. So the fan was on, he got cold Because when he woke up he was wearing his winter coat.

Speaker 2: 1:51

I saw that.

Speaker 1: 1:52

So I'm like how did this happen? So I think in hindsight now that I think it out loud he was cold. He was trying to adjust the fan. He couldn fan. He couldn't find the remote.

Speaker 1: 2:01

He searched everywhere, messed up his blankets and his whole stuffy situation right and then he got the coat, put it on, had to fix the whole bed, realized it was four in the morning and then he went to sleep, and so that's why he was no bones today but I think, I think he like fell asleep in between four in the morning, absolutely, I mean we both said good night to him it's at eight o'clock and he was done because he was not up through the right okay you know, usually when kids because think about it, the kids always bug us, right?

Speaker 1: 2:28

they always, and it's always between eight and ten, if they cannot fall asleep, if they can't come, if they can't fall asleep by ten o'clock they're coming to us and they're like we can't sleep, and it's like well, what do you want us to do? What do you want us to do? Right, we can't sleep either. Kid, go back to bed and let's try to figure this out.

Speaker 2: 2:46

So my go-to is always just pretend like you're sleeping. Just pretend like you're sleeping until generally, that works till the morning comes, and then they'll.

Speaker 1: 2:56

They'll not come back usually yeah, the big ones, yes, yes yes, oh man, we're here to podcast, we're here for spring cleaning yeah, um we're spring, so it's so interesting, because I want to physically clean, spring clean, but I just keep putting it aside and I'm like no, let's just talk about it, let's talk about spring cleaning. So today we're going to talk more about spring cleaning and hopefully one day the corners of my ceiling will get cleaned or something. Well, actually spring cleaning, the random cleaning that you do during spring cleaning. Quote unquote.

Speaker 2: 3:34

That pile of clothes that needs to go to the donations? Yeah, you donate things.

Speaker 1: 3:37

Yeah, definitely All those things, air everything out, clean the comforters, just saying, not saying Just saying so with spring cleaning as our series.

Speaker 2: 3:43

What's the topic, Selena? Oh, just saying so, with spring cleaning as our series.

Speaker 1: 3:45

What's the topic? Selena? Oh, the topic. So, of course, if you guys are just tuning in for the first time, welcome.

Speaker 2: 3:49

Welcome to Love by.

Speaker 1: 3:50

Faith and we have decided to do spring cleaning as we are cleaning out our podcast closet. Okay, All the cobwebs that we have accumulated that don't necessarily go into a particular series, we're just going to give them to you in this month. So a couple weeks series. We're just going to give them to you in this month, so a couple weeks ago, we talked about friends of the opposite sex. And then last week we talked about over-criticizing your partner your spouse. And we even got feedback about the dishwasher.

Speaker 2: 4:15

The dishwasher story hit home with people.

Speaker 1: 4:17

I feel like we need to turn that into a t-shirt of like you're not setting up the dishwasher right or something. But this week we're going to change the topic all over again and we're going to talk about something that could help serious couples. It could help people in marriages, it could help people who are potentially dating and they're trying to see if they're the right fit for each other and they want to go serious. And the topic is are you holding yourself back from a good thing, from a good relationship? So, kyle, why did we have to talk about this particular topic?

Speaker 2: 4:50

I think when we were doing our brainstorm session for this, it was about people who want a great relationship in theory, but then, when it comes time to put the rubber to the road, the people are doing things that self-sabotage or are, without even knowing, doing stuff that is blocking them or, even with knowing, are doing something that is blocking them from getting to that relationship that they want or getting their marriage to that next level, to be that deep connection that God intended it to be. And so I always go back to this because it's, it's great. You've spent so much time talking to women, and talking to single women, talking to married women, talking to engaged women. What kind of things do women do I want to break this apart female, male. What kind of things do women do that hold them back in relationship?

Speaker 1: 5:43

We overthink.

Speaker 2: 5:44

Okay.

Speaker 1: 5:45

We were, we're I'm going to speak, gonna speak for myself. Um, a really good example of this is when I had a crush on you and I was waiting for you to ask me out, okay, and I thought in my head and in my heart that I really liked you, I I wanted to have a relationship with you and so far so good. Everything was checking out. There were no red flags that I could see and I really wanted to get the ball moving and to start the process of like dating relationship. Let's see where this goes. But then, when I realized that you finally asked me out, you finally wanted to be my boyfriend and you made it, it was verbatim.

Speaker 1: 6:33

I'm like. I like you. I want to be your boyfriend, I want to have a relationship with you. When I heard those truth bombs, something inside me went off where I was like oh snap, this is serious. I'm not daydreaming anymore. I can't kid around anymore. We're not playing games.

Speaker 2: 6:50

It's not just an innocent crush.

Speaker 1: 6:51

It's not just an innocent crush where I could just fantasize about it. The fantasy is now becoming a reality.

Speaker 1: 6:57

And then it struck me of like this is real, this is a serious thing, it's almost too serious. And then I was like I't know how I gotta pray about it. And I made you wait for a whole, another month, because I was afraid that I wasn't ready for such a serious commitment. Because at the time, when I was single, I was thinking to myself I'm not going to just date, just to date. I'm tired of just going on and off with different guys. If I'm going to date someone, it's going to be serious, marriage is going to be a big topic of conversation and intention. And so when you asked me out, all of those things kept flooding back into my head and I'm like oh snap, is he the one? Am I going to be married to him? Like, are we going to have kids? Like, is this going to be it? And, mind you, we weren't even dating, but my mind was already in the future of like, am I going to grow old with this guy? And then I started to picture you old and I'm like do I want to look at him every single day? Old? Like, is he going to age like George Clooney? I don't know, you know. Like do I want to do. I want to be there for that, you know. And I started to overthink and I started to second guess just the moment that it was, and instead I wanted this. I wanted to get the security of the future before I committed to the present. And that's really hard because you can't really do that. You know, who can do that besides God? That's really hard, because you can't really do that. Who can do that besides God? And so I was freaking out internally because I was just like I don't know, this might not be it. And it wasn't until my cousin, who was my maid of honor she's one of my best friends.

Speaker 1: 8:35

At this point, she tells me Selena, there's a story, you all know it, you might know it as well. The guy falls off the boat, sinking in the water. Help me, help me, me. A dude comes by with the boat here I'm here to help. He's like no thanks, I'm waiting for the lord to save me. Help me, lord, save me, save another guy in a boat. Come on, let's go. No thanks, I'm waiting for the lord to save me. And then he finally, like ends up drowning because he passed all the people by. He goes to god. God's like dude, why didn't you get in the boat, like I sent you three boats Like get on the boat dummy, you know. And so she basically said that to me. She was like get on the boat dummy. And I was like he is the right guy, he is the guy I've been praying for. This is the relationship I've been praying for, this is the moment that I've been praying for, this is the thing I've been longing for.

Speaker 2: 9:19

It's so good.

Speaker 1: 9:21

But my fear was stopping me and I almost lost it. I almost self-sabotaged it and I would have not had any of this.

Speaker 2: 9:27

Right Any of this.

Speaker 1: 10:38

This glorious basement.

Speaker 2: 10:41

This glorious podcast.

Speaker 1: 10:41

This glorious podcast, these glorious children who make us wait hours and hours for their tiny feet to move along. Yeah, yes.

Speaker 2: 10:50

So dissecting what you were saying, because I think you hit all of it in an awesome way. You had fear yes, fear of everything. Future rejection yes. Failure Fear yeah, you had anxiety.

Speaker 1: 11:04

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:04

Worrying about. Would this be the right choice? What if this doesn't work?

Speaker 1: 11:08

What if? What if yes, what if blank? What if?

Speaker 2: 11:10

What if? How is he going to age? All this, yes, and that sounded like it got into anxiety about how is this going to go? What if I'm not enough? And then all that worry, and then he talked about wondering what the future would be like, which is lack of faith, it's insecurity. Yeah, and lack of faith.

Speaker 1: 11:33

Yeah, yeah, lack of faith, insecurity, yeah, and lack of faith because you know, yeah, yeah, yeah and so fear, anxiety, uh, faith, worry are all things that hold us back.

Speaker 2: 11:42

Hold us back in having these awesome fulfilling relationships that we've come to enjoy and embrace, and I think the same thing happens. It happens for guys too. We get worried about well, what if I screw it up?

Speaker 1: 11:55

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:55

What if I don't want to get?

Speaker 1: 11:57

married what?

Speaker 2: 11:57

if it turns out like my parents Right, and I don't want to ask her out because we have a great thing going- I don't want to take this to another level. This is a great friendship, so the guy ends up holding himself back from all the blessings that are in there that are on the other side of that door. And the same thing I mean once you're engaged and then it's like oh man, I don't want to plan this wedding I got to stand up in front of a bunch of people.

Speaker 1: 12:23

I got to spend a bunch of money. There are so many people I have heard in this season, like in this today's time, that openly talk about that, how the anxiety of being this figure in front of people, this spectacle in front of this they don't want that and so that's what stops them from getting married, which is crazy to me, because it's like you can control your wedding.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Right, you don't want 200 people, don't have 200 people.

Speaker 1: 12:49

Go away somewhere, go buy a house Right?

Speaker 2: 12:52

You and your partner go get married. Have it go get married.

Speaker 1: 12:54

Have it your way have it your way, burger king style.

Speaker 2: 12:58

Bk that wedding guys as long as it's between you and your partner and the lord, it's gonna be blessed it's a sacred union.

Speaker 1: 13:06

Yes, I don't, uncle tony doesn't have to be there, nobody cares you know, if I could go back and do it all over again, I, I would do it different, really, I would.

Speaker 2: 13:14

Oh man, don't tell me that I'm just kidding, but I tried to talk you out of the big wedding a couple times, you never know.

Speaker 1: 13:20

Until you know, you think your whole life you want something, but hindsight is always 20-20 and you think you want to do it back. But I say all that to say that you know we didn't allow the things to stop us then. Right, and so now we are now blessed to have the insight of looking back and seeing it from a different lens, amen.

Speaker 1: 13:41

And if you never go forward, you're never going to receive that blessing of the wisdom to see that and to learn and to grow from it. I think it's so interesting what you said about how guys stop the progression of a relationship because they are fearful we wanted to.

Speaker 2: 13:55

Just this is great, right here. Why do we need to move anywhere?

Speaker 1: 13:58

this is, this is great whereas the woman, I believe, is we are saying why don't you? If it is so good now, how much better could it be in the future?

Speaker 2: 14:07

like we're already in the future that's where the fear and lack of we're so future-minded about when it comes to a good thing that it's just, and then you guys are stuck.

Speaker 1: 14:16

This works. I mean, the same thing happens with wanting kids.

Speaker 2: 14:20

Right.

Speaker 1: 14:20

If you're married and you're newlywed and you're like I don't know, we're able to travel, we're able to do things. Once we have kids, we see what our friends go through, we see the. If you have the desire, if the Lord put it in your heart.

Speaker 2: 14:38

Fear, faith worry.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:42

Insecurity.

Speaker 1: 14:43

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:43

It's all those, it's the same.

Speaker 1: 14:45

Four things Four or five things Over and over, and over and over in every single season.

Speaker 2: 14:50

Holding you back, stopping you getting in your way. Roadblocks, they're just to me. They're stumbling blocks right, got to get rid of them, right yeah, they're stumbling blocks, right, got to get rid of them, right yeah, but it's not that easy no. Because they're real life things. It's like this is a really hard hurdle to overcome.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Absolutely. And I mean we're talking again. We're talking about timelines and progression of relationships, but these roadblocks can also be internal as well. Can also be internal as well. You know, if a man is very stubborn in his ways or if a woman overspends, you know if there's something that's within the relationship where you're like we need to, we cannot move forward. We can't move any further until we get out of debt. And the only way we're going to get out of debt is if you stop spending or you manage but you know what I mean or vice versa. Like dude, we are constantly bumping heads because you're stubborn and you just won't accept that sometimes you're wrong or sometimes you can change and be different, and so we get in our way.

Speaker 1: 15:50

We get in the way of peace, of breakthrough, of growth, of development, of a long-lasting marriage.

Speaker 2: 15:59

That's real, yeah, okay. Growth of development of a long lasting marriage that's real, yeah, okay, we're talking kind of big picture individual, him and her before the marriage. So what does this look like when we're already married?

Speaker 1: 16:09

so what does it look like in marriage? Yeah when you have the roadblocks what's holding you back?

Speaker 2: 16:16

yeah, how are people holding themselves back in marriage?

Speaker 1: 16:20

all the things the same, the same row box. I think they're all the same and different. You know, like I said, like when you want to have children, when you want to have your finances, when you guys get into a fight and you refuse to like face the conflict and then repent of the conflict, like go in a different direction in this so that you don't have the conflict again. You know when one is too stubborn, when one doesn't listen. You know all the things.

Speaker 2: 16:43

I think about from a guy's perspective. Guys will tend to shut down a conversation that they're afraid of. We'll shut, I'm not talking about that. We're not going to. This is over. This is this. This, this conversation is done when it's not solved. And you're you're the guy is sabotaging that marriage from growing, sabotaging that you know. Jesus used the picture of the vine sabotaging that vine from getting stronger and grasping better well, girls do that too.

Speaker 1: 17:12

They just don't make it so firm, it's just a silent treatment and they just won't talk. But it's so crazy, okay. So I love reading, like rom-com novels okay, okay, it's just it's a nice leisure pastime.

Speaker 1: 17:26

I don't have to think too much about it. You know it's very predictable. I love reading these things and they're oh, they always drive me. I just want to smack the character, because they claim how angry they are at their person okay, and they are just so livid with them and they don't want to talk to them. And then they just are two ships passing by, but then, in like, as you're reading about the character, she's like just turn around and hug me. Or like she's thinking about these things, like just turn around and hug me.

Speaker 1: 17:58

Or I wish you could just pull me close and just look me in the eyes and tell me that we messed up. And like Ninja, why don't you say it too? What's stopping you from doing the same thing? And so it's almost like and I can relate to this because I used to do this is I would get mad and I would expect for you to come and save the day, like be the hero and do the romantic gesture to whisk me off my feet and admit that things were wrong, and admit that we said some hard things to each other and apologize, and just have this romanticized apology of let's work it out, let's figure it out as if that is going to make it all better. Work it out, let's figure it out as if that is going to make it all better. But then you're holding a card and you're not responding and you're very angry and short and you're expecting them to just come out and bust through all those walls to get to that point. That's self-sabotage.

Speaker 2: 18:54

Vulnerability and lack of it, Lack of the man. Being able to say this is a hard topic for me. I don't want to talk about this because it makes me feel insecure that I don't make enough money. It makes me feel insecure that I'm not going to be able to satisfy you. It makes me feel insecure because I don't know if I can raise kids. I don't know if I have the patience for that. I don't want to skip going to the gym and being able to say that out loud to your partner and be vulnerable enough to accept whatever their response is to your vulnerability. That's the fear that I hear in that story.

Speaker 1: 19:28

And, as you said, this, it makes me realize that people, both men and women, we do it all the same, both men and women, we do it all the same. We withhold our vulnerability because we don't believe in the unconditional love that the spouse is supposed to give to one another. We don't believe that we are in a safe space where we can be that open and it would be well-received until people hold it back. I don't believe that there are. I don't believe that every single married couple out there is as vulnerable and as transparent as they should be, because they fear the reaction or the response on the other end. They don't believe that they're in a safe space where they would be loved no matter how they feel, no matter what they think, and that it would be in a loving environment that they could openly talk about those things.

Speaker 2: 20:23

And so many times I see from guys is that there's scar tissue there from attempting to be vulnerable and getting shot down or getting rejected or getting told to just deal with it.

Speaker 1: 20:37

Yeah, same, I mean women. We have our monthly feelings.

Speaker 2: 20:42

Right.

Speaker 1: 20:42

And so so many guys can take that and they're just like oh, she's just in her monthly thing, she's just feeling her thing, she's always in her feels, and so that keeps women guarded, because we're like you don't take my feelings seriously because you think that they're not real, you think that they're just made up because of a hormone thing.

Speaker 2: 21:01

So it's yeah, it's absolutely, because from a guy's perspective, a couple days later it's a whole different lady, yeah, and it's just like do I take which? I have to take the whole lady seriously, yeah, every time, every day. Take the whole lady seriously, yeah, every time, every day.

Speaker 2: 21:25

But when I've been, I don't want to say conditioned, but I've experienced that if I just wait two or three days, this is gonna work itself out which is why it's so important that all men should understand their cycle of their woman but at the same time, in that moment, not waiting two or three days, I can't just say it's just your time of the month, leave me alone no three days, because that's rejection and such hurtful way to talk to your, your wife, yeah, and so what it sounds like selfishness holds people back too, because a she wants. She's so selfish, she wants to get this point out, whether it hurts his feelings or not right or b.

Speaker 2: 22:02

He's so selfish that he's just like I'm just gonna wait till this is better for me and when I want to talk about this, and that selfishness holds that relationship back from growing to that understanding where he understands her feelings, regardless of what time it is of the month, and she understands his feelings and his ego, because we all have egos understands how to work with his ego to not sabotage the relationship and, and her being self-aware, to say, hey, wait a second yeah am I really angry about this or am I letting my emotions get the best of me?

Speaker 1: 22:39

Self-awareness. Yeah, I think it's also important for women to understand. You know, it's like a self-sabotage. And a self-sabotage because, as you said before, men have trouble being that vulnerable because they won't get a good response, because they are supposed to be the strong one, they're supposed to be the protector, the provider. And sometimes elevating a relationship, taking it to the next level, going into a new season, causes fear in that man, and so they want to express that fear. But it's hard to express the fear because it's not going to be received, and so I think that's a self-sabotage in the man.

Speaker 1: 23:16

But then for the woman, you have to be willing to hear your man be vulnerable and share weakness, without attaching that fantasy future that I mentioned at the very beginning to the man. Okay, because what's happening is we're attaching, we're putting all our coins and all our eggs into the man, into the husband, into the outcome of the relationship based on his leadership, based on his strength, based on his wisdom, based on his intention to see it succeed. And so when you guys feel the fear and you guys feel the weakness, then all of a sudden we feel like whoa, whoa, whoa, this isn't what you vowed to do. You're breaking your end of the bargain. I don't want to receive that, I reject that, and so it becomes a self-sabotage in itself.

Speaker 1: 24:08

We are all forgetting in this season. We're all forgetting that none of us have it all together and that none of us are strong enough to endure those things, and then none of us can provide all the needs that we both need to go into these other to progress the relationship and to make it grow and to make it flourish. We all need to rely on Christ right, because it's in our weakness that he is made strong. And so if we are not welcoming that weakness, whether from a woman or from the man, if we're not welcoming that weakness, then how can Christ's strength ever cover that situation to the fullest?

Speaker 2: 24:51

Yes.

Speaker 1: 24:51

You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2: 24:52

Yes.

Speaker 1: 24:52

And so we have to get comfortable being vulnerable and being weak and opening those doors and sharing the feelings and sharing why we feel like we have to sabotage this thing so that we, by doing that, we're also inviting Christ into the situation and we're trusting in His strength and we're trusting in His grace and we're trusting in his fullness, so that we can get over it together.

Speaker 2: 25:22

Amen, amen. That vulnerability will lead to healing. Exposing those cracks will lead to repair.

Speaker 1: 25:29

So taking it all the way back. You know there's a guy who has a great friendship with a girl. The girl really likes the guy wants to. Where is this going? I don't know where this is going. You never talk about where it's going. I want it to go somewhere. Or it's not, you know, or I'm going somewhere. You know, like what's happening here. If they're in a situation like that and they both want the relationship to become exclusive but they're both afraid of what could happen to that, or even if you're already dating and you want to get married but you're, you're good where you're at, you don't want to break it right, how can people take the presence of God in their relationship to get past that fear? What could they do or what could be said to help them get past that fear?

Speaker 2: 26:17

I love when this is going on, when we have a conflict like this. I love your ability to just name what you're going through. I'm feeling really blank, I'm feeling really self-conscious about this, I'm feeling really insecure about this, and so there's going to be a challenge to talk about. I'm feeling really selfish right now and I don't want to hear any of your solutions. I'm feeling really right now and I don't want to hear any of your solutions. I'm feeling really, and so I think that really digging into what is going on, to say, hey, wait, I'm feeling this, selena, and so I need you to do this, to leave me alone, to sit here and just hear me out for a second, to sit here and not talk and make faces while I pour my heart out to you. Yeah Right, I need to. I need to really be vulnerable with you.

Speaker 1: 27:03

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 27:04

Those that's that, for me, has been a huge success in getting through these kind of troubles, getting through self-sabotage, getting through holding ourselves back.

Speaker 1: 27:18

How about you so being open, being self-aware of what you're feeling and then having the safe space to openly talk about what you're feeling?

Speaker 2: 27:28

And sometimes that is knowing hey, I'm not ready to talk about this right now. I'm going to come back to you in so much amount of time.

Speaker 1: 27:34

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 27:35

And say hey or say hey, let's talk about this on Sunday, when I know we have nothing going on and I'm not stressed, and it's not nine o'clock at night, after I just spent an hour putting the kids to bed.

Speaker 1: 27:46

Yes, because sometimes people will say now it's not a good time to talk, but then so many other things start happening.

Speaker 2: 27:54

It ends up never being a good time to talk.

Speaker 1: 27:56

And then it's never a good time to talk and it's just like you are full of it At this point. You're just full of it because now you're just running from the whole thing. So, yes, having a hard moment in time in the future, of like we're gonna talk about this at this point, right the end, no matter what, you know, I think that's very good. Something that I used to do okay, something that I still do is there was a song I think it was by john legend, I'm pretty sure where he basically said, like um, laying all the cards on the, on, laying out all my cards for you know on the table, or something like that.

Speaker 1: 28:36

I gotta look it up anyways, no, I don't, but I'll trust you I think it's this Time, so anyways, I'll link it for you guys to listen to. But anyways, the song always made me feel like I'm putting all my cards on the table.

Speaker 2: 28:50

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 28:50

And so every time I come to a point where we have a hard talk, like this or there's a pivot in the relationship where I know things are going to change, and I know that whatever direction we choose to go in will change everything from that moment on, whether it's engaged, marriage, children, buying a house, these hard things that are just going to change everything New job, new job. It's going to change everything, and we both know it. And so when I'm in these kinds of situations, I think of the vision of me. I'm just going to lay all my cards out. I'm just going to lay all my cards out. You see where I'm at.

Speaker 1: 29:34

And when I do that, I have this tiny 30 seconds of insane courage, you know, going back, going back to Matt Damon. 30 seconds of insane courage where I'm just going to put it all out there and I'm just going to show you where I'm at, and I'm going to be completely transparent and I have no idea how that's going to go. But the Lord taught me that the truth sets me free, and so I'm going to be as truthful and as honest as possible.

Speaker 1: 30:02

I'm going to hold nothing back. You can take it or leave it.

Speaker 2: 30:05

Perfect.

Speaker 1: 30:06

And if you leave it, then at least I know I did everything in my power to be as completely open and transparent with you as possible and moving forward, I got nothing to lose. That's kind of my mindset when I enter these things, that's kind of-.

Speaker 2: 30:22

That takes a ton of courage.

Speaker 1: 30:23

It's the 30 seconds of insane courage. It's not the courage to climb up a mountain, it's the courage to jump off a cliff. I'm running and I jump off a cliff. I have enough courage to do that. I might not have the courage to climb the mountain, but I got the courage to just run and jump and not think any more about it. So I run and jump, I show you my cards, this is where I'm at and then I wait, and usually it's met with an equal sense of vulnerability, it's met with grace, it's met with God's strength, and the strength gets me through the mountain together with you, and so that's what I do.

Speaker 2: 31:04

it's great, that's what I would. I appreciate that and that was what I would tell a guy guys too to do yeah go and say what you, what's going?

Speaker 1: 31:13

on in your heart.

Speaker 2: 31:14

Have that one jump do it, yes, and then watch the blessings flow, watch the connection grow, watch the vulnerability be reciprocated from your partner. And it grows and it builds. And next time it's a little easier and it's easier to get deeper and it's easier to be more vulnerable and it's easier for your relationship to grow. It's like fertilizer, it's like steroids.

Speaker 1: 31:39

And when you're running and you're jumping off the cliff, you're not thinking about what's other people going to say what about this, what about that? You're not overthinking anything.

Speaker 2: 31:49

It's just you and God.

Speaker 1: 31:49

You're just literally running and jumping, yeah, and I don't know if you've ever jumped into a waterfall before. You're a diver, so you jump off the diving board, but it's that kind of feeling where you just you're. You're either going to do it or you're not yeah and if you're going to do it, you're going to run and you're going to jump. There's no jolting back, there's nothing like that, and so you just do it.

Speaker 2: 32:13

There's an old quote if, if the fear, if your fear of the dive is greater than your fear to oh man, I gotta say it right if your fear of of doing the dive is greater than your desire to want to complete the dive, then you got to pick a different sport say it again if your fear of doing the dive is greater than your fear of wanting to complete the dive, then you.

Speaker 2: 32:38

It's time for a different sport yeah, yeah if you're afraid to jump, if you're afraid to try it, you got to go. It's either, you know, do it or don't do it, or really don't yeah and that's the same with being vulnerable just do it, just do it, and and let watch the blessings flow yeah, amen so good that is good.

Speaker 1: 32:58

I think it's a good bow to tie on today's episode we have spring cleaned that topic yes, yes, and so guys, we're out there.

Speaker 1: 33:08

Um, we encourage you. Don't hold yourself back. Don't hold the relationship back. You might be staring at the one every single day, or, as you guys are dating, that might be the one. And you don't have to think about the future too far into you know, old age. You don't have to think about the future too far into old age. You don't have to think about the next seasons to come. All you have to do is think about is it good now? Is God blessing it now? Is there peace now? Then have the courage to welcome and embrace that peace. Have the courage to take that peace and let God multiply it so that you can see what happens in the future as long as Christ is in the middle, giving you the strength to overcome those things.

Speaker 2: 33:47

I'm sure there's other topics, other examples. I'm sure there's other examples that you guys have of how you want to be vulnerable or how you're holding your relationship back or how you see your partner holding your relationship back. Let's chat about it. Drop a comment, let's hear about it. Shoot us a message. We're available. We want to hear from you guys. We love hearing the feedback, we love talking to our listeners and we're grateful for you, man.

Speaker 1: 34:12

We're grateful for you being here.

Speaker 2: 34:13

We could see it in the likes, in the shares, in the comments, in the five-star reviews on all the platforms.

Speaker 1: 34:20

You want to know something tell me we had a holding back moment with this podcast wow in the beginning, you know, and in the very I. I wanted to have a podcast for years oh I wanted you to join me for years. I wouldn't. I wouldn't have a co-host, no other co-host could.

Speaker 1: 34:37

Could do what I wanted to do okay what I felt in my heart needed to happen, other than you. And so we waited for you and we had a life-changing talk of like if we do this, it's going to change things, because we're not just going to do it for a season and we're going to be done. We're going to do it until God tells us that we're done. And here we are, our 70th episode. Right, we've been doing this 70 times, meeting with you guys, having these coffee chats with you guys, ministering to the world, whoever needs to hear it, hoping that we're bringing you closer to God, hoping that we're bringing what God brought together closer so that multiplication and blessings can come out of that. That multiplication and blessings can come out of that. Yes, and you know, it took us some insane courage and it took a lot of vulnerability to say, okay, we're going to just do it and we'll figure it out as we go, and God's going to provide the rest of the way. And so this is a what is it called?

Speaker 2: 35:39

An example of us getting out of our own way? Yes, and not holding ourselves back.

Speaker 1: 35:42

Yes, yes, and not holding ourselves back. Yes, yes, it's not easy, but it does require some courage, and we both believe that each of you guys can possess a tiny little bit of that courage to help you get the rest of the way.

Speaker 2: 35:57

That's right.

Speaker 1: 35:58

So thank you guys for watching. Let's go ahead and pray, do you? Want to pray today.

Speaker 2: 36:03

I will be glad to Lord. We are grateful for this time. Lord, we just lift up all the couples here, listening at the sound of our voice. We pray that they would have faith, lord, that they would have boldness to see and have vision for the relationship you want them to have. Lord, see and have vision for the relationship you want them to have. Lord, I pray that the ladies would not operate out of anxiety, but they would operate out of faith, out of courage. I pray that the men would stand in boldness and stand with braveness and stand to be the leader that God has called them to be. Lord, we are grateful for this time. We're grateful for everyone who is invested here to grow themselves and to grow their relationships. Lord, we pray that all of our listeners would get out of their own way in their relationship and watch it grow and flourish and be fruitful. We give you glory, god, for all of it, in Jesus's name Amen.

Speaker 1: 36:59

Amen. Thank you guys so much for listening and watching. If you're on YouTube, be sure to like, share and subscribe. If you're on a podcast Apple, spotify, iheartradio, all of the other ones please make sure that you write a review so that other people like you can get to learn how to love by faith as well. And five stars is just fine. If you just want to tap it and move on. We will greatly appreciate that as well. Be sure to catch us next week with another episode.

Speaker 2: 37:25

Definitely next week.

Speaker 1: 37:26

And we hope you love by faith. Yay, see you next week. Bye.

Speaker 2: 37:46

That was great. We a good job. What's holding you back? Jubilee holds herself back. Really, I don't want to go to school that she's at school.

Speaker 1: 37:53

She's like I don't want to leave.

Speaker 2: 37:54

I don't want to leave. Is that how it goes? Yes gotta let it go, gotta get in there and just just gotta do it embrace it every single morning.

Speaker 1: 38:04

I don't want to go to school. I don't like school, I don't like my teachers, I don't like these clothes, I don't like this breakfast. And as soon as she's there, bye, mom, yep bye.

Speaker 2: 38:15

Ran away from me so fast today when she was there bye.

Speaker 1: 38:19

I think it's just she doesn't want to get out of her bed. She takes after her mother.

Speaker 2: 38:23

We just don't want to get out of her bed. She takes after her mother.

Speaker 1: 38:26

We just don't want to get out of bed. Once we're out of bed, okay, we'll do the things. I wasn't going to throw you under the bus like that. No, I am a gradual riser. Okay, don't say good morning, say gradual morning, selena, gradual morning, because it takes me so much time to like actually get into the morning of things start with like meh morning Selina meh morning okay, morning roll around morning Selina, gradual. Good morning, great morning, grand rising.

Speaker 2: 39:02

Oh man, we've reached that time of the week, kyle's got to go everyone Good day. See you guys next time.

Speaker 1: 39:08

Good day to you.

Speaker 2: 39:09

Appreciate y'all for being here.

Speaker 1: 39:11

Love, by faith, y'all Love by faith, y'all Bye.