SPRING CLEANING: The Unexpected Damage of Over-Criticizing | Love By Faith with Kyle & Selina Almodovar #069

This episode focuses on the unexpected damages of over-criticizing your partner!

Our words can either build up or tear down our partners, and constant criticism can transform from constructive feedback into relationship poison that leaves lasting damage on both people and their marriage.

• The issue isn't always about the specific complaint (like dishwashers or comforters) but what they represent—feeling disrespected or undervalued
• Criticism often stems from our own insecurities and desire for control when we feel other areas of life are chaotic
• Repeated criticism creates a fight-or-flight response where partners either withdraw emotionally or respond with hostility
• The person being criticized begins questioning their worth with thoughts like "Why did they even choose me?"
• Identifying the root cause of criticism helps address the real issue instead of attacking surface behaviors
• Prayer provides perspective and helps couples remember who the real enemy is (hint: it's not your spouse)
• Breaking cycles of criticism requires daily intentional effort—your edges will get sanded down and your heart will become tender

If you're struggling with criticism in your relationship, reach out to us. This is a daily battle that won't change overnight, but with God's help and consistent effort, you can work through it together.

Chapters

• 0:00 Over-Criticizing Your Partner
• 4:35 The Line Between Healthy and Harmful
• 9:28 When Trust Breaks Down
• 19:00 The Root of Criticism
• 27:21 From Criticism to Connection
• 37:17 Prayer and Practical Solutions
• 43:04 Closing Thoughts and Garden Plans

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Over-criticizing your partner.

Speaker 2: 0:01

Well, now it's just personal, because I already told you about this.

Speaker 1: 0:04

I know that you've been criticizing me a lot. What's going on?

Speaker 2: 0:07

Why is he even married to me? Why did they even choose me?

Speaker 1: 0:09

Where is the line where it goes from healthy to over-criticizing?

Speaker 2: 0:15

We're not perfect people.

Speaker 1: 0:16

By any means.

Speaker 2: 0:18

But by trusting in God we learn what it takes to build a friendship.

Speaker 1: 0:22

A relationship. And marriage that has stood the test of time With a Keeping it Real style. We're going to talk to you about everything everything that we've been through are going through and have overcome all by learning how to lean on God and each other in order to help you learn how to love by faith. Happy spring, Selena. We are in the spring cleaning.

Speaker 2: 0:59

We're in spring, Well not yet. It's planned. It's on the calendar no, it's here.

Speaker 1: 1:06

Got the birdhouses up, had a couple of shorts days.

Speaker 2: 1:11

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:11

So nice, we finally get those.

Speaker 2: 1:12

It's still pretty cold.

Speaker 1: 1:14

It is, it does, it goes. You know it's in that midlife crisis part of the year.

Speaker 2: 1:18

Fake spring. It's in fake spring mode, Right, right right man.

Speaker 1: 1:22

the kids are all like can I? Wear shorts today. Can I wear shorts today?

Speaker 2: 1:25

Yeah, shorts, crocs, it's Crocs season.

Speaker 1: 1:28

Right, we do let our kids wear Crocs. I know that's kind of controversial.

Speaker 2: 1:31

This generation uses Crocs season for every season, so I don't know what to say about that. It's all right, Dude. I remember when Crocs came out it was like when I was in college and nobody wore them so I got my first first, I got my first pair of crocs from the grocery store they had them. They weren't crocs, they were crooks.

Speaker 1: 1:54

No, they were totally crocs. They were no, they were just like trying to get their brand okay established. So crazy and they had, like they had cleveland indians ones and I was like these are sweet. Yeah, they're better than open toe sandals. You don't have them anymore.

Speaker 2: 2:08

No, I had a, they were, I mean, like you said it was 20 years ago yeah, that's crazy, that is crazy we should change the subject now, but yeah, that was my first pair of crocs, my first pair of crocs, I think was in 20 2006 yeah yeah 20.

Speaker 1: 2:26

Wow, dude, I know, I know well, we're part of that, we're part of that generation. Now, man, he's got to own it mary jane's. I had some mary jane crocs that's sweet I wore those things everywhere yeah, I just saw those new ones called the echoes. They look like regular shoes. Those aren't those are not crocs.

Speaker 2: 2:45

They look, cozy man it's like saying is a hot dog a sandwich, it's not a croc if it's covered. In my opinion, if it has laces and it's covered, it's not a croc it's a shoe, so is a hot dog, a taco so we're here in spring and, uh, tell the people what the series is you know I totally forgot you mentioned early, in the very beginning of this conversation, you mentioned spring cleaning yeah I thought you were talking about literal me having to do the deep cleaning that I do every six months.

Speaker 2: 3:21

You were referring to today's series Spring Cleaning.

Speaker 1: 3:24

Spring Cleaning.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Which is what we are in this month, guys, and what does Spring Cleaning mean? We are taking our idea book, we're taking our notes that we have had planned, and there are some things that just doesn't fit in our type A series fashion, and so we just decided to throw a bunch of topics together to spring clean out this book.

Speaker 2: 3:49

So this is it and today's topic I'm a little, I'm a little nervous about yeah I'm a little nervous about today's topic because I feel like, uh, this is a topic that I struggle with, even even to this day. Like I, I, I work my hardest on this topic selena's vulnerability is coming out today comes out all the time. When is kyle gonna get vulnerable? I'm an open book yo I'm an open book you are. Thank you for your vulnerability, but, uh, today's topic is a little hard for me and and it might be a little hard for you, which is why we are choosing to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 4:28

Yeah, man, I think when I get into the idea of this topic, I tend to think about it through the lens of how would I feel if this was coming at me?

Speaker 2: 4:41

Yes.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Right, how would I feel if someone was, if it just kept pestering and pestering and pestering Without further ado? This week we are talking about over-criticizing your partner.

Speaker 2: 4:53

Over-criticizing your partner.

Speaker 1: 4:54

And the fallout from that and how to handle that. And so I tend to think like my approach with you is usually wait to check myself. Is this a me problem first? All right, she's making this goofy sound. I'm just making up an example.

Speaker 2: 5:14

What is the example you're talking about?

Speaker 1: 5:15

Let me think of one from real life.

Speaker 2: 5:18

Real life example. Guys, here we go.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Real heavy marriage topic. Here's the bus.

Speaker 2: 5:23

I'm about to get pushed under.

Speaker 1: 5:24

Let's go Loading the pushed under let's go loading the dishwasher. Okay, loading the dishwasher, okay, that's. I go to it and I see all this stuff and I'm like there is so much more space available in this dishwasher. Like how does she not just put it all?

Speaker 2: 5:39

then you do it. No, okay, I'm sorry, that's why we're here and so the I stopped myself before.

Speaker 1: 5:46

I'm like selena, come here, what are you doing with this? Why is this like this? What's going on? Because I don't want to get hit. No, I'm kidding, she doesn't hit me I don't listen.

Speaker 2: 5:58

I will never hurt my husband I will never murder my husband, right, I will never uh, have to say this, okay, but some people might be like they're gonna take this and try to cancel me in 20 years okay, when crocs are still good, okay.

Speaker 2: 6:11

When crocs are better, they're gonna try to cancel selena. So I would never physically harm my husband unintentionally. Emotionally harm that is something I'm working on because I would never want to harm him. But we all have baggage. When Kyle found me as a poor pup, I was very rigid around the edges and we have been sanding those down with the Holy Spirit ever since. Continue.

Speaker 1: 6:36

Man. So when it comes to over-criticizing, I go right into thinking is this a me problem, or is this a her problem, or is this an us problem?

Speaker 2: 6:44

Okay, wow, you come up with that in your initial thought, thinking is this a me problem, or is this a her problem, or is this an us problem? Okay, wow, that's. You come up with that in your initial thought yeah, yeah, like wait a second wow, before I start talking.

Speaker 1: 6:52

Thank you. What's going on here?

Speaker 2: 6:54

man.

Speaker 1: 6:54

I married a good one right, thanks huh so, and so I'm like wait a second, just fix it right. This is something that is not her problem.

Speaker 1: 7:03

She just put the stuff in the dishwasher, like she did a huge help to us by putting the stuff in the dishwasher, all this when, when, when this first happened in our marriage and I was like, wow, she has no clue how to load a dishwasher in my head I never had a dishwasher, me either, but in my head I thought that and I'm like this type a lady doesn't know how to get all the stuff to fit no, I'm terrible at. I'm terrible at approximations and so I didn't like I didn't didn't dump it on you, right?

Speaker 1: 7:34

okay, I didn't dump it on you, so, so this is one of those things where I waited for you to be like to ask me about it. Or I just can't fix it, but I just fix it but you do I fix it, but you okay I fix it. This is a very beautiful.

Speaker 2: 7:47

I reorganized your painting for the people, tell me about it. Okay, you do criticize me about putting the dishwasher out. You like you. It's almost condescending the way you do it, because you're like you see this here, it should go here. You see this, it should go here. And then you feed me words. You're like say, okay, husband, and I'm like, okay, husband, and you're like, okay, thanks, husband, for helping me with the dishwasher. And I'm like, thanks, husband, for helping me with the dishwasher, I don't leave no, no way.

Speaker 1: 8:20

So here's what I feel it may me being defensive I feel like I don't bring up this topic to you that while I'm reorganizing, you come to me and you get defensive and you're like what's wrong with the dishwasher, why are you reorganizing it? And I'm like, and then I have to explain it to you, and then that's when I'm like she's not saying any words to me. She gave me the cold shoulder, so I got to encourage her to say something.

Speaker 2: 8:45

It's because if you go back a couple episodes, I said at one point if I have nothing nice to say, I say nothing. It was one of those moments.

Speaker 1: 8:54

So that's when I feed you the nice things to say, so that you can remember.

Speaker 2: 8:57

I think it's very. We could go back and bicker about a dishwasher back and forth this entire episode. It go back and bicker about a dishwasher, back and forth this entire episode. But I think it's very evident to say that even somebody of kyle's stature, who is trying to process this on his own before communicating his needs, there is still a margin of error where you do criticize.

Speaker 2: 9:23

Oh, yeah and you do bring it to my attention and you do it in such a way where I feel like f this dishwasher, f this guy, like all y'all could just have dirty dishes in the sink and you can do it by hand from now on, like, remember where you came from, like and just do one of those. But I don't do that. Obviously I'm still working on myself and I respect my husband and we're trying to, but in my head, yeah, I'm like you could do them dishes yourself, like you could figure that out.

Speaker 1: 9:49

But I have no problem. You make such delicious food. I have no problem if you leave that sink full of dishes that would be in that washer before the end of the day you brought up, you know, just a little tidbit of something right, and if the something continues to be repeated, right if it turns into this pattern, if it turns into this habit and it is something that, like, really gets to you under your skin, then I feel like people start to criticize and they start off kyle's way.

Speaker 2: 10:18

They start off. I'm really trying to help here. I really love person. I don't know if this is like. I don't even know if they know that this is a thing. You start off really nice, but then over time, if I continue to load the dishwasher wrong, now you go from the Kyle spectrum to the Selena spectrum and now I'm like, well, now it's just personal, because I already told you about this and I think that's where me personally, my over criticism bug, starts to itch. Is I tell you things nicely?

Speaker 2: 10:53

okay, yeah and they don't get done. Okay, okay, and it could be for anything it could be. Maybe you forgot, maybe you just don't see it there, maybe you don't think it's important enough for you to handle in that moment where, for me, the value is a little higher. And so I'm pressing on you to do this thing. And it gets to the point where I am starting to take it personal and I'm just like why are you not getting this thing done? Why are you doing it that way? Why does it have to be this way? And so I start to take it personal, and then my emotions start to mix into this thing that I want done. And now I'm almost on this attack mode because I'm like you did it again.

Speaker 1: 11:40

Now it's not just the dishwasher, it's the clothes, it's all the things.

Speaker 2: 11:45

It's the clothes, it's the, it's all the things?

Speaker 1: 11:46

Why are you chewing like that? It's why are you putting on your right shoe first instead of your left?

Speaker 2: 11:51

You got to be very careful with a fence, because a fence can spread like wild, wild, wild fire.

Speaker 1: 11:58

Okay.

Speaker 2: 11:59

Okay, and it will get to that where everything is becoming annoying and everything is becoming about you and everything is just like an attack. And then, once you're in that kind of sense in your marriage, it's like fight or flight.

Speaker 2: 12:15

So now you're either going to leave it alone and like, build all this energy and keep it inside yourself until one day you just blow up and you're like where did this all come from? Or you're going to fight back and then you're going to be rude or disrespectful or petty or condescending or unloving to your person. It could get very bad very quick.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Let me ask you this, because while you're talking, I'm thinking about quick. Let me ask you, uh, this, because while you're talking, I'm thinking about where is the line where it goes from healthy to over criticize, from healthy call a constructive discussion to over criticize?

Speaker 2: 14:03

it's so hard to determine the again. This is something I'm working through but you not only have a repeated offense. Okay, let's, let's call it that, for right now we're going to label this kind of criticism repeated offense okay, okay, but then you have the other side of criticism okay where the person themselves, the individual person themselves, feels like they have to criticize because they have to have some sense of control over a situation.

Speaker 2: 14:35

Yeah, and these people you could call it the over control or out of control situation because they feel like they don't have a firm grasp of control in their life, in whatever, in parenting, in marriage, in how they're presenting themselves to the rest of the world, in finances, right, like they feel like they don't have a sense of control and so, therefore, they're trying to grasp control by any means necessary. Therefore, that carpet's not vacuumed right, those dishes aren't put away right, that bed's not made right, that laundry shouldn't be there, you have to pick this up. You have to do this. Why are you dressed like that? Why are you? Those dishes aren't put away right, that bed's not made right, that laundry shouldn't be there, you have to pick this up. You have to do this. Why are you dressed like that? Why are you slouching? It's all because they're trying to control the narrative and they can't Not slouching. You're great, you're great, you're great. They're trying to control the narrative and they can't.

Speaker 1: 15:28

OK.

Speaker 2: 15:28

And so it's desperately reaching for other things. And so, to answer your question, like, where does the line go? I mean it depends. Is it an external thing or an internal thing, because the line could be different for both.

Speaker 1: 15:43

It comes back to what's at stake here. What's at stake? What am I planting this flag for? Right Like, if you think about criticisms. I used used to be a painter right at paint houses and every once in a while we'd have a homeowner we were working for and they would bust out the blue tape and they would just blue tape the mess out of the whole job they would do it yeah, yeah, like out of control, so that this is what's wrong.

Speaker 2: 16:08

This is what's wrong.

Speaker 1: 16:09

This is what's wrong and there they were at wrong and there they were. And sometimes they were like glaring, obvious, like yeah, there's a scuff there, we can definitely fix that. And sometimes it was like that's just a shadow, bro. We're like there's nothing we're going to do here. And so think about your criticisms, as planting your flag or planting your blue tape, and ask yourself is this blue tape really need to be here? Do I really need to call her out on this right, or is this just the me thing?

Speaker 2: 16:39

is it?

Speaker 1: 16:39

I just need to give her space to grow through. I just need to trust it and let the process happen like I just got this awesome. You got this flowery shirt on right and you accidentally slipped and said wildflowers instead of wildfire. Okay, and think about it as like are you going to criticize a flower for not budding fast enough? Are you going to criticize this flower for not blooming on the day you wanted it to bloom?

Speaker 2: 17:03

No.

Speaker 1: 17:03

It's going to bloom when it's ready. Yeah, and even you've seen. I know you've seen in me because you've told me that in previous seasons you wouldn't have done this, kyle. And now you're there.

Speaker 2: 17:12

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:13

And so when you see your partner course correct instantly, it's an awesome place, right, yeah? Or even over seasons not instantly, but over seasons, it's the patience to see it through and to let them criticize themselves because we're already hard enough on ourselves and figure out how to be better at it, right? And so seeing the line is, you're right, it's a huge challenge, but seeing it can take us to a place where we are able to have the, the patience like god and, uh, you're making a face I'm I'm trying really hard not to make a face you made it, it's okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 17:54

So you had, like this, this scrunch.

Speaker 2: 17:56

I really, I really I really mustered all of the energy to relax my muscles while you were talking.

Speaker 1: 18:05

So what's going on in there, Selena?

Speaker 2: 18:07

Kyle. You make it sound so poetic, bro. You make it sound like just give them patience, let them live their life, the Lord will work through them. But there have been seasons, bro, where patience is worn out and you're still doing the thing. Or you're still not doing the thing, or you're not taking initiative and it's like completely just over your head.

Speaker 1: 18:36

I'm going to be vulnerable here. Tell us a real life example. What are you talking about? Okay, Give it to me. This is general but it's real.

Speaker 2: 18:45

Come on give it to me, honey do list.

Speaker 1: 18:47

Okay.

Speaker 2: 18:47

For those of you guys who don't know what a honey do list is, it is a list of things that you give to your honey to do around the house, whatever, whatever. Okay, whatever, whatever. And so I'm just going to say um, honey do list, what is a recent thing?

Speaker 1: 19:06

Put it up to birdhouses. No, you wanted me to do that. You have a list.

Speaker 2: 19:21

You have things that need to get done, things that are around the house, things that I have brought to your attention on more than one occasion On more than one occasion. Okay, here's something I remember. Okay, I remember we have a king-size bed.

Speaker 1: 19:37

Right.

Speaker 2: 19:38

We do not have a washer and dryer that can wash king-size bed comforters.

Speaker 1: 19:43

Right, okay, yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:45

So somebody has to take the comforter. I mean we could wash all the sheets, but somebody has to take the comforters each season. To the laundry mat, to the laundry mat, right. Okay, kyle's in charge of laundry. We've discussed this since before we were married. It was our last kind of debate in our premarital counseling session was who is doing the laundry.

Speaker 2: 20:09

We made it abundantly clear that Kyle was going to do this, because Selena sucks at laundry. Okay, like that's just what it is. Kyle was in charge of cleaning linens. Okay, linens don't get cleaned. Okay, so I'm like, all right, cool, he doesn't have time. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm doing it Kyle's way. Maybe he just hasn't gotten around to it, maybe that. So I bring it up casually hey, when are we going to do these linens? When are we going to do another season passes? Comforter is now dirty, so now we have two comforters.

Speaker 2: 20:42

It got to the point where we had like six comforters, bro, six comforters it's three no, bro, I had to carry that big old cart that they have in the laundry mat. That was all the way up to past the the basket level, trying to hold the baby right, like, come on, we have to go into this laundromat. It was, it was a, it was a sight to see, okay, okay. And I did it out of spite because I'm like this guy just does not care about these comforters. I me, I wanted to wash the comforters, put them with the matching bed sheets, I wanted to vacuum seal, throw it in the attic for the following year when we needed them again. Kyle was just like shoving all of the dirty comforters in a closet, just hoping.

Speaker 1: 21:29

I didn't see them.

Speaker 2: 21:30

They were what basket could hold six king size comforters.

Speaker 1: 21:34

There wasn't six. Keep going, don't finish, wrap up your story. I'm not criticizing right now. I'm being vulnerable, right now.

Speaker 2: 21:41

Okay, so we have a lot of comforters. Obviously, because we I go through lots of like every two months, I like to switch out the seasons, martha stewart over here redecorating each trying but it's failing because my comforters still need to be washed.

Speaker 1: 21:55

Did I just age, myself saying martha stewart, anyways, keep going maybe it should be megan markle no megan sussex anyways.

Speaker 2: 22:02

So I keep telling kyle about these comforters and he keeps saying okay, that's all you say is okay. So, as your wife, yeah I take your okay, I take your confirmation and I trust it that something's gonna be be done.

Speaker 1: 22:20

I'm just going to get the power washer out and power wash them.

Speaker 2: 22:23

Seriously, bro, we will hang them on outside. I don't care how they get done, Just get it done. And so I'm trusting that your confirmation of like okay, I will take care of this, okay, I will do it, okay, I will change. I'm trusting in that. I'm putting trust into your confirmation because you're saying it to give me the security that this need is going to be met. So when I see a week, two weeks, a month later, that need is not being met, you're not addressing it. Now I feel foolish to put my trust in your confirmation. I trust in your confirmation. Now I feel like I can't trust his confirmation. I can't trust when he says okay, because I've waited for the trust to play out and it hasn't. And so I hear what you're saying about like, oh, just let them see their own mistake.

Speaker 2: 23:11

Ninja, you threw it in a closet where you couldn't see it, and then it was just out of sight, out of mind. But every time I opened up this closet I'm like, oh no, comforters, it was terrible. Yeah, to the point where I just said you know what? I don't care how much money this costs, I'm going to take my kid. And it was a rainy day. I had to go to three different laundromats because one wasn't open, one didn't take a debit card and the other one, like, was you know, it was just a mess. I went to like three different cities. I went to north ridgeville, north homestead and elyria. I went to three different cities, three different places with my kid, with holding all of these comforters, taking them and dumping them, and it was just a really terrible time for me. And was I doing it out of spite? Was I doing it in offense? Was I?

Speaker 1: 24:01

I definitely didn't talk to you that day, but that is an example of me criticizing so the over criticism comes from from in this example and for probably for many people, uh, fear that this isn't never going to change, yeah, that they're never going to figure it out on their own. Yeah, insecurity, insecurity. That it's always going to lead to this weakness, whether it's a weakness in our relationship, weakness in our home being dirty, a weakness in our friendship, a weakness in our spiritual life that we're not praying enough together, and it comes from a fear that we can't overcome this Right, like we're never going to figure this out. He's never going to get better.

Speaker 2: 24:44

I don't even ask you anymore about the comforters.

Speaker 1: 24:46

She's never going to make this change, we're never going to have this connection that we wanted to have, and so the insecurity, the fear, the uncertainty that it's ever going to get better are all these things that drive the overcriticism.

Speaker 2: 25:05

And we're talking about external criticisms Like we haven't, like you said, use the example of praying. Like people criticize their spouses about themselves, about how they act, about engaging not engaging. About serving not serving. About how to be a leader, how to be more intimate in the bedroom. You're criticizing them and that could get hard to overcome.

Speaker 1: 25:30

And make them bitter.

Speaker 2: 25:31

Make them bitter, make them feel less than make them feel unworthy, make them feel insignificant.

Speaker 1: 25:38

Withdraw. Shame, you're going to talk to me. Y'all like this. Bye you know every time I look at her. Every time I want to chat with her. She's telling me how I did something wrong. Forget that, I'm going in my shed heaven forbid.

Speaker 2: 25:50

A woman has children and her husband is now criticizing how she looks or feels how come you don't go to the gym more?

Speaker 1: 25:58

how come you're not doing push-ups? Can't you just do push-?

Speaker 2: 26:01

So I mean, we're talking about little things, we're talking about comforters and dishwashers, Right, but there are people out there who are really struggling with this guy. Why is he even married to me? Why did they even choose me?

Speaker 1: 26:14

All right, so let's role play. I'm the over-criticizing husband who keeps talking to you about. You can't criticize that with me, because my mouth is too quick and I I will clap back. I'm not like most people. We're gonna need you to role play and be be the mature christian woman we're out here talking about. Okay, we've got kids I hear moving around the house. Yes, what do you say when you feel like he's over-criticizing? But you want to say it in a healthy way that helps him understand how you're feeling.

Speaker 2: 26:44

If I were not. Me and I had an over-criticizing husband, and he did it consistently. It turns to emotional abuse. Bro, she won't go to him she won't go to him.

Speaker 2: 26:56

She'll go to someone else. She'll go to her friends. She might go to that work husband we talked about last week. She might just bottle it up to herself because she's embarrassed. She might start to believe in the things. Remember what the word says. The tongue has the power to give life and death, and he's speaking death over her. She's dying. She doesn't have the energy to talk back.

Speaker 1: 27:30

She's dying. She doesn't have the energy to talk back. She doesn't have the energy to reach out and try to correct it. She's wounded. You're wounding her body right like, just like the like the christ in the body.

Speaker 1: 27:40

we are the one body yeah if I am stabbing and cutting and stabbing and cutting my body with harmful criticizing words, I'm is responsible to yourself. Cutting to put the. Put the ointment on the cut. Yeah, put the band-aid on the cut, yeah. I have to be the man and the bigger one and the leader to step up and say, hey, I know I've been doing this and I don't mean to, or I know I've been doing this and it's only because I want you to be better, but I'm going to make an effort to stop this. As men, we have to take the ownership on that that we're leading. If, if she's over criticizing, just like to comfort her, yeah, if she's over criticizing, it's because you're not getting something done, man dude.

Speaker 2: 28:25

Yes, but for the most part, for I can't even say for the most part, kyle because, like you said before, there are some women who just constantly attack and attack, and attack and attack. And why? Because there is something in themselves and they're expecting their leader to fix it and it's not their job to fix what's happening inside of you.

Speaker 1: 28:47

So is this a sit down like? Hey, I noticed you've been criticizing me a lot. What's going on is that that's an approach that is an approach, yeah, I think.

Speaker 2: 28:59

I think it has to be simpler than that, because some people might not want to face conflict with somebody like that, and you know they could. Someone can easily manipulate it. You know somebody could eat well, it's your fault, like you know. Yeah, what do you mean? You don't know what I'm mad at. Well then, I'm not going to figure it out. You know like it gets to that point.

Speaker 1: 29:21

But you never said that to me.

Speaker 2: 29:22

No, never, never. God is saved by grace. Okay, sanctified is saved by grace, that's right, but there are. I think the easiest thing you can do is remind yourself to keep talking. You know, you have to remind yourself to keep talking. You have to remind yourself to keep talking because if you start to hide away, if you start to shun away from that kind of conversation, you're just going to dig a deeper and deeper hole. You're never going to come out of it.

Speaker 2: 29:52

It's very hard. It's very hard because, like I said, a lot of the times, the reason why people criticize anything, whether it's external or internal, whether it's that person themselves or what they're doing I think a lot of the times it has to do with an insecurity in yourself. It's an insecurity in yourself and you're trying to make things right and you're trying to control what you can, and you think that by doing that it's going to make things right and you're trying to control what you can and you think that by doing that it's going to make your life better. You think that by doing that it's going to make your marriage better, it's going to make your house better, it's going to make your kids better, when really all it does is it pushes everything away so to the husband or wife who has just had their partner.

Speaker 1: 30:33

Tell them why do you keep criticizing me? That's a sign to you to check yourself internally. Why do I keep criticizing her, why am I picking on him, why am I so worried about how the dishwasher is? And do some really self-digging there and then pray together. I think my next step is go straight to prayer, because that spiritual unity helps to heal those wounds. That's that ointment we were talking about.

Speaker 1: 31:06

Just thinking practically here. It's like how do I approach healing? I approach it with prayer, I approach it with saying nice things. Oh dude, I remember this great exercise you catch yourself over-criticizing your partner. If your partner partner calls you out, you got to be on the same page about this. If you, for each criticism, you gotta say two nice things, two positive affirmations, and then you're gonna put salt and the good, the good soul, good seasoning, on that bad thing, is that fun?

Speaker 2: 31:36

Yeah, to go back to the comforter story.

Speaker 1: 31:39

Sorry, yeah, okay, yes.

Speaker 2: 31:40

This is good. Think it practical there. So let's practically work through this. So why was Selena so bent up out of shape over the comforters? It was because I felt like Kyle wasn't respecting me when I asked him. It felt like I was feeling like Kyle didn, didn't take this serious.

Speaker 1: 31:57

I didn't love you because I left your house a mess it felt like you were not respecting the house chores.

Speaker 2: 32:03

It felt like you didn't care. It felt like you didn't care. So I took that as a form of like you're disrespecting me and you're disrespecting this because you don't care about it. So I took that as you doing something to me. So, therefore, I went out of my way and I did it and it was a terrible time doing it and I felt awful doing it, not like oh, I wish Kyle would have done it. No like. I can't stand this dude and I can't believe he did this to me and I can't like everything was geared towards, towards me. It was not a house thing anymore. Now it's like. I can't believe kyle did this to me. Look what kyle had. Like now I'm in the rain because of kyle. Like it was about me and I don't necessarily think that that's the way to do it like that's not the way to go around it, because now it's a it's a me issue when really like are, when really like it's not even about the comforters at all at this point.

Speaker 1: 33:00

So that's part of the inventory is what is the reason behind this?

Speaker 2: 33:04

What is the? Yeah, you got to understand, like, what is the root behind the criticism? And, like you said this, and so I think, before I went out of my way and dragged my daughter and me into the rain to wash these comforters once and for all, she was probably loving it in her rain boots.

Speaker 2: 33:19

She had a great, she had an adventure of her life Like she was all over the place. But to I should have sat down with you to talk about the root of why this matters to me, instead of just constantly saying when are you going to do this? When are you going to do this? When are you going to do this? How come you're to do this? When are you going to do this? When are you going to do this?

Speaker 1: 33:41

How can we?

Speaker 2: 33:41

not doing this? What is wrong with you? Why can't you do this? I didn't say that, but it gets to that. Yeah, we should have the sit down talk of like Kyle. The reason why I want these done is because I want my house to be clean and I want to clear up this space and we're about to head into holiday mode and I just want to prepare for everything else that has to come out of the attic.

Speaker 1: 33:58

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 34:02

And I feel like every time you say you're going to do it, you're not doing it. Now it's a personal attack towards me, because I feel like you don't respect me. You're not respecting me. Like, try to level with them to show them why I'm not going to guarantee that your spouse is going to be on the receiving end and is going to take it and actually do something with that, because they might then feel attacked and it might turn into something crazy. Which is why what Kyle said start with the prayer part. That's going to give you the right words. That's going to give you the right timing to when you should have this conversation. That's going to give you the boldness to confront the conflict. That's going to show you who the real enemy is. Remember, like there's not your partner Spoiler alert.

Speaker 2: 34:45

It's, it's, it's that hunger games quote. Remember who the real enemy is. Let's go, you know, like the enemy could use laundry. Right, the enemy can use a dishwasher. Right, the enemy can use a dishwasher. The enemy can use postpartum hormones to really get into your head, to get into your home and to try to break your marriage, to try to break the disconnect by any means necessary.

Speaker 2: 35:08

And so if you are in prayer and you start to bring these ventings and these frustrations to God and you start talking to God about your spouse, like you're okay to talk to God about your spouse, it's almost like my four-year-old. She comes and tattletales on her brothers all the time. Go tattletale to God. Okay, go tattletale to God, because then he can show you okay, selena, this is how you're feeling. Let's check your heart. Here's the root, here's the condition. This is what you say, this is what you do. Give me that burden, I'll hold on to it. You know, god could start to minister in that and then you guys can actually have an adult conversation about chores or responsibilities or how you feel, and then it could, all you know, work itself out, but God, just like you feel, and then it could all work itself out.

Speaker 1: 35:58

But God, just like you said, you saw, all that stuff, the enemy can do this, the enemy can do that, but God, god can bring peace, god can bring restoration, god can bring healing. God can bring inner peace, inner security to you, inner peace when you let that Holy Spirit flow through you like that, when you bring in the prayer, when you bring in the realness, the vulnerability, the vulnerability to just say yes, lord, let me just step back and seek peace in this situation, and God can work it out. No relationship, no relationship is beyond repair. If the two people are committed to figuring it out, if the two people are committed to working together to get it right, if the two people are committed to getting better themselves so that they can be better for each other, then that relationship is not so damaged, beyond repair.

Speaker 2: 36:52

If they're committed to trusting and surrendering it to god let's go if they're committed to placing this marriage and this problem and this offense on the altar of the lord and letting god have control over it rather than us trying to control it right then nothing is impossible that's right.

Speaker 1: 37:14

Let's pray for the people. Let's close. This is too. We're at the right spot. I know you don't like me to go hard right into prayer, but we need that. It's the right time.

Speaker 2: 37:23

Can I pray?

Speaker 1: 37:24

Yeah, yes, that's what I just said. I said you pray.

Speaker 2: 37:28

Lord, we thank you for this episode. We thank you for the people who are listening to this episode right now are not here by chance. They needed to hear this, they needed to be ministered to and, lord, we just pray that you used our words to minister to their hearts. We pray that you would soften anybody's heart right now who might feel a frustration, an insecurity, a brokenness within their relationship that causes them to feel like they need to control, to feel like they need to criticize, to feel like they need to use words to attack what you have brought together, lord, in their relationship. We pray that you would nurture this and that you would bring them restoration. We pray that you would give them the right tools, the right setting, the right mindset, the right heart, the right attitude, lord, to shift the narrative so that they can surrender these things to you, so that criticism and help them nurture and grow and bring out the blooms in the season in your right timing.

Speaker 2: 38:46

And we give you the glory for all of these things In Jesus's name Amen.

Speaker 1: 38:51

Amen, amen. If this is something you're going through and you want to talk through, reach out to us. We're open. If you have questions on criticisms or common offenses, leave it in the comments and we'll get back to you.

Speaker 2: 39:07

We respond to all this stuff. One thing I wanted to share is, if this is something that you're struggling with, like me, this is a daily walk. This is a daily battle, but it won't change overnight. It's going to take a daily walk. This is a daily battle, but it won't change overnight.

Speaker 2: 39:18

Okay, it's going to take a daily walk. It's going to take constantly changing, constantly looking to God, constantly talking to your partner about how you can make this better. So I just want to encourage you guys and couples out there, if this is your battle, that you're facing it can be one. Your ridges will get sanded down, your heart will get tender, you guys can work together and you can work through this and, as Kyle just said, if you need help, we're right on the other end.

Speaker 1: 39:46

Do all the steps YouTube like share, subscribe, right Spotify, apple podcasts get them five-star reviews. Tell people how great it is to Love by Faith. We appreciate you. We'll see you next time.

Speaker 2: 40:04

Love by Faith y'all.

Speaker 1: 40:05

Love by Faith y'all.

Speaker 2: 40:08

We'll see you, bye, bye.

Speaker 2: 40:16

Flowers are looking good though Coming up, Get all the little pokes in the in the garden I'm ready to garden yeah I'm ready to pull weeds and till ground and sprout some seeds and we got that area all ready to go raised beds. I'm not gonna add this to your honeydew list, it's already, but I'm gonna politely remind you that I would like raise beds this season it's already on there, I just gotta put it up you just gotta put it up. I gotta go out. No, I gotta go out. It's not just put it on the ground.

Speaker 1: 40:46

I gotta level it and put things so that it looks good and then fill it with stuff.

Speaker 2: 40:52

So do all the things to fill them up.

Speaker 1: 40:56

And so that's on my agenda for this spring.

Speaker 2: 40:59

This spring could be anywhere from March to June bro.

Speaker 1: 41:04

Well, march is already out the window, so I'm thinking like April Some. Saturday or Sunday here soon, when we don't have a million things to do.

Speaker 2: 41:11

April 7th. April 6th, april 6th.

Speaker 1: 41:15

April 6th Coming up quick.

Speaker 2: 41:18

It is, it is, and so are the blooms.

Speaker 1: 41:24

It's going to look good. I saw your seeds starting in all the spots.

Speaker 2: 41:27

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 41:27

Looking good Trying.

Speaker 2: 41:30

I got a sweet potato that's kind of like started developing roots in the pantry, so I'm going to bust that and put that in the. I'm going to throw that in the dirt and see what happens. Let's just see what happens. That's us man. We'll tell you guys about it in a couple months. Gotta go.